The 10 Commandments redifined

Well, its Christmas eve and I am working in this Godly hour (not really). Just chanced upon to flip through the 10 Commandments of The Holy Bible, and my otherwise idle brain wisecracked.

The 10 commandments are a staple of Catholicism and have been around for thousands of years. And as we know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Here is an updated set of commandments for the new era (With all due respect):

1. Thou shalt not kill--unless you were brought onto the show Comedy Nights with Kapil.

2. Thou shalt not commit adultery--What is the opposite of adultery? Childery?? Maybe adultery isn’t so bad then.

3. Thou shalt not use the Lord’s name in vain–unless you are the victim of anger attack. Lack of swearing might make you less cooler.

4. Honor and obey your parents–unless they hack your facebook and whatsapp.

5. Thou shalt not steal - You can always beat someone up for their iphone, and hack their computer among other things.

6. Thou shalt not covet--thy neighbor’s wife–she is probably friends with your mom.

7. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me–except maybe Godzilla–He doesnt look like the God fearing type.

8. Thou shalt keep the sabbath holy–at least until 12pm when the liquor stores open

9. Thou shalt have no idols–except the Indian idol. They are anyways idle.

10.Thou shalt not bear false witness–only spread true gossip

Follow these simple rules and you will thank me in Heaven.

For those who are yet to discover the Ten Commanments,

Click here (Thou shalt do as I say): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ten_Commandments

English is a phunny language

Would you rather say the insufferably bland “He collided with my trunk” or the insanely awesome “He banged my dickey”?

Funnier lines that mark our Indianness: "I DO music". "Lets DO the dance"."Close the lights"."Cut the pencil". "Seriously funny". "Fully Empty". "Hairs are falling" and so and so on and so forth. The major credit goes to... "Please DO the needful". One fine day, it just slips out and the listener at the other end corrects us unabashedly. The feeling of having been wrong all our lives. How long have I been saying that? Who is he again, to correct me? 

I passed out from college, and I passed out in college too. I gave many classes a pass and passed many classes too.

Well, as quoted by Sri Amitabh Bachan: "English is a phunny language".It gets funnier as you traverse across different states of India. A "Zimbly Owesome " for "Simply Awesome" in Kerala. "Part" becomes "fart" in Karnataka. "You" is "Ewww" in Bihar. In Andhra, a "Biscuit" can be "Biscuitaaan". In Bengal, everything sounds like Roshogolla, like "Shobway" for "Subway". "Tart" for "Start" in Odisha. "Binness" for "Business" in Punjab.

Languages change over time. Healthy, living languages change a lot over time. They ebb and flow and morph and transmogrify. If we want to smirk at someone asking us for our “good name”, laugh at someone telling us sheepishly that “sleep is coming” and wallow in the pedantic preference for “years ago” over “years back”, we are just being insufferable douchebags. When William Blake rhymes “Aye” with “symmetry”, it’s acceptable because it’s um..William Blake and not some poor bloke with vernacular language medium education from a small town in India? How many conventions of grammar do you think Shakespeare broke when writing Hamlet? Or is poetic license not allowed for unlicensed poets?

Hence, if the English language has evolved to the likes of  STFU, WTF, WTH, PHAT, BFF, LOL, LMAO, ROFL, ROFLMAO, and many more from the Gen XYZ's social network dictionary, we can as well spare the mother tongue influenced diction.

On that note...TTYL..... XOXO  :)

Ouchhh....Its L.O.V.E

(Lost Over Vicious Endearings)

Whoever coined the phrase "Madly in Love" knew the literal meaning of it and the message got distorted down the line and lineage. 

The cliched mushiness beamed out of larger than life romantic flicks, the wholesale idea of Valentine's asinine Day and similar catastrophes are to be blamed for injecting the weak souls with the maladies of the likes of  over expectations, unconditional love, love over money, love over parents, love over duty, love over country, love over religion, love over wife, love over children, love over marriage....basically love over every damn thing under the sun (yeah, I digress quite often.).

When I find young kids nowadays brewing mushiness, manifested with hormones, and wallpapering their FB, professing their unfathomable love and posting happily caricatured faces, I develop a surge of urge to give a piece of my mind. (Catty!!! Yeah, blame it on my age...). Only if they knew what awaits them shortly....making them swear never to 'fall' for someone again.

Why do I say so?? I have seen so! (Friends with the bereaved, I cannot let out the names for the obvious and unobvious reasons) Its considered boorish to poke one's nose in someone else's matter....matter of factly, it can always be blogged away to glory/gory. 

Girl (Class 10th): "I can't live without you. Tell your parents about us." (Like the parents were dying for this news just when the board exam results were about to be released).

Boy (Same class): "I cannot believe my stars for finding a girl like you. Of course 1st thing today, I am going to pass on the message to my folks." (Well, ironically stars shine only at night.)

Both of them outperformed miserably in their boards, got house arrested for ashiqui, eloped to Delhi, worked in call centers and all hell broke lose when a lovechild was born. Already harried, parents were informed, placated, and convinced. Wed locked kids and the baby move back to Delhi to start a fresh new life. Life was picture perfect....at least till now!

The same stars misaligned. Boy comes home, finds her with someone else. Girl moves in with 'someone else'. Baby is deported to maternal grandparents in Middle East. Boy left with zilch. (You think its a tradegy....hold on to your horses).

Boy writes mails to the Indian Embassy, reporting the custom trespass and transgression headed by the girl's father (with proofs) and demands the girl and his baby back. Still begging on his knees, to her, for her, to return.

Girls calls: "My landlord is misbehaving with me. Can you please come and save me??" (crying and whining)

Boy at breakneck speed arrives at the misfortune spot. 

Burnt alive. Silence.

Love over life!

Bite Me!

Compliments and remarks need to function in a way, that renders a feel good factor to the receiver if not complete elation. However, few remarks come across like colloquial scissors, making you scream, "Bite Me!".

Some of the faux pas targeted at me, voluntarily/involuntarily (or maybe I misread(being completely adept at reading between the wrong lines))....

• "You don't look your age.".......What does that mean??? How exactly a 27 year old (umm...or almost 28) should look like? and I look older or younger? In the latter case I would have itched to reply "I take lessons from Cleopatra".

• "Not many women your age can flaunt a skirt".....Well, its a skirt, comfortable, airy, looks great and serves the purpose...unless I have legs that morph into snakeskin as I grew older.

•  "Don't worry, you will get married soon. Anyways, women can reproduce till 35"....Whatttttt!  That was supposed to be your prophecy or premonition??? Whatever it is, I so wish, I could sprout out my fangs and spew some venom. Its so common in varied forms though, that  the impact has transcended from appalled...to trauma...to wry smile (with the undercurrents of "You are surely not invited, to my wedding" whenever it happens in eternity).

• "People from your batch have reached great heights...you will too someday".....Well, thats an euphemism for "You are a loser". I have achieved something. I like to think so. And thanks for the salt that my wounds were hankering for!

• "You look good in pictures".....Its like tequila shot, gives you high for the moment and then downright squeamish. Okay, I agree a little editing doesn't hurt. But the Instagrams and Picassas of the world are so alluring....Blame them!

However, the last assault takes away the cake.

• "Looking at you Facebook profile, I thought you are an over smart kinda girl"........Just then the earth should have torn apart, and swallowed me off the human race. You know whats wrong in my FB profile? YOU are there in my friends list!

So, ladies and gentlemen, next time we run into each other and you pass any of the above comments, and accidentally your vehicle gets punctured, or my coffee spills on you (oops!), or you get stalked, don't blame it on Karma ;)