Bollywood Bananas

PREAMBLE - We the people of India, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a Sovereign Socialist Secular Democratic Bollywood frenzy Republic. We make peace with our foes through our cinema. We have more Khans in Bollywood than in Pakistan. We are harmless - Hence Proved. 

The Indian Cinema is the ultimate gospel for us cinephiles. We have started believing the unbelievable. We do not question our heroes, when he battles 100 goons (all double his size) and manages to get away with few droplets of blood streaming down is nose or lips. P.S. - No first aid is as curative as the bandage of the torn pallu of his heroine.

We do not question the illegible censor board certificate with it's miniscule writing, which for some reason, the audience tries to decode as if it was Anil Ambani's will presented on 360mm wide screen, which the audience gets to divide among themselves. The only characters visible and worth reading are V/A or V/UA (this would provoke few people to leave the theater swearing under their breath).

We do not question the flamboyancy of our Bollywood movies, where everything is Queen size. Be it their bed, house, location, family (that of Alok Nath's) or even their motorbikes (Please watch Dhoom 3 if you have suicidal tendencies, and make the suicide happen). An impromptu dance number is always welcome, be it a wedding or a funeral. If it's a foreign location, the itch to dance multiplies manifold. It does not matter if its a busy public spot. For others it might be crazy, but for us, it is the spread of Indian culture.

The unquestionable part of the Bollywood movie is that it is twice or even thrice the length of a Hollywood movie, with 1/3rd of its content. The interval serves a good reason to crib about the movie and consume double the popcorn in anticipation of how bad the other half could be.

We do not question our Heroes, when He defies the laws of Physics, like that of gravity, relativity, motion, inertia....etc(Rohit Shetty being the new Newton). Our heroes only abides by His INLAWs. They even outshine the superheroes. No matter how many bullets have pierced His body, He does not die before completing His dialogue. He is either ultra rich or ultra poor. The heroines are the delicate darlings who, besides staring at the mirror and murmuring to themselves, perpetually admiring at their beauty, also run around the bushes and promote Go Green.Contrary to the popular belief, it is always the vamp lady who reunites the family after a change of heart. Bloody! :P

The villians are the most disciplined ones. They are quite cooperative and choose to come only one by one to confront the hero, while the others form a circle and patiently wait for their turn to get beaten to pulp. As soon as they get beaten, with the mandatory dhishum dhishum as the background score, each one falls down on some extreme corner and lies there wriggling in pain.

Horror movies are equally eccentric. Mostly, people come out of theaters laughing, as it turns into unintentional comedy movie. It gets tough to decipher what was more ghastly, the funny makeup of the ghost, the shrill background music deafening the audience, the kinky heroine or the old skinny doorman steadily upholding the lantern for decades. For some reason the old housekeeper remains unattacked in the haunted house. 
For example, Vikram Bhatt's Haunted (not to forget -3D) where he uses the formulaic horror tropes - mist, screeching doors, books that fall by themselves and blaring background music that insists that you be scared. To top it all there is a ghost rape too....

Howbeit, our movies have garnered true-blue fan base overseas for unknown reasons. Maybe it is....

1)  Audiences feel that it is their moral responsibility to watch Abhishek Bachhan and Uday Chopra's movies as a mark of respect to their dads.

2) They have not seen any of Tusshar Kapoor's movies yet. Otherwise, the global boycott of Indian cinema was inevitable.

3) They are still wondering, why is Yo yo Honey Singh paid more than the hero, when he is not even there in the film and why does he attempt to rap like Eminem.

4) Katrina Kaif is getting hotter than global warming.

5) They want to crack the mystery, how can Raknikant be born before his father.

6) They want to know who is this guy Karan Johar, whose movies have the "senti" quotient to the par of lunacy.

7) Salman Khan's wriggle and jiggle has been misconstrued as a different kind of dance form altogether to beat constipation.

Shah Rukh and Salman reunite....whatever that means

LOL :D

P.S:  This monograph is subject to market risks. Viewer's discretion is required before spending on PVR tickets. Get a Wi Fi for God's sake!