How to love your fat

No seriously, that was not a statement but a question. HOW to love your body fat?

This is probably the aeon when womanhood is graceful only when its skinny and skinny is not just skin deep. Its the jawline, the double chin, the forearms, the love handles, the thigh gap, the calf muscles, the pot belly, the basketball-cut-into-halves butt and what not. What a benevolence it would be if your body parts came with extra fittings. Replace them with the best available size on sale.

Its a complete gag show when the ladies are suddenly cognizant of their weight. Like when they thank the heavens that loose fit is back in fashion and how that jacket would camouflage the unwelcomed bulges. How straight hair slims their face contour and how the not-so-classy high waist jeans actually has a utility purpose. The stripes ought to be vertical coz horizontal stripes makes you look like lady bumble bee. Yes, even 50 shades of grey was color coded for slimming purposes in the first place.

My personal favorite are women (like myself) who like the abstraction of a diet plan. The moment they sniff a Biryani, there comes the gyaan  "Khao yaar, yahi asli sukh hai" or "Ek din khaane se kuch nhi hoga" or "Gym to jaana hi hai kal se".

Funda-mentally, its not our fault. Its the stupid movies. Never has the aam janta witnessed ever where the hero falls for a fat chick. Those are the ones who conjure up nefarious plots to split the couple to win the guy over or the ones who end up being our hero's best friend. Bhumi Pednekar was probably the saving grace, the last hope when she won over Ayushman khurrana solely with her inner beauty. Then it was a slap on the inner beauty, when she featured on the cover of Vogue magazine, half her size, enunciating, "Learn the journey of Bhumi's transformation and rediscovering herself". Bhencho!

Its even more stirring that we have a defense for that too..."Unhe to paise milte hain patle hone ke liye". I mean in a way that's true, but then why are the fashion mongers so unfair. The one dress which skipped your heart a beat, that one dress which would have made you look rich, that one dress which would have changed your relationship status, bloody doesn't fit the way it did on the mannequin. It now shrieks to be freed in the trial room when you call for help in the half worn/half torn dress empathizing  with Sarabjit all caged up in Pakistan.

To top it all restaurants now days have joined the dementia to fish the "figure conscious food connoisseurs". Fat free gajar ka halwa with diced carrot sprinkled with sugar free, cooked in low cal dairy with your choice of nuts. What? was the poor cow fasting for my damn halwa??

No matter what your mirror tells you, remember a perfect body is a delusion. **Conditions Applied**

**Does not apply to those who have the money for liposuction and implants.

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Separated we stand, united we fall,
Love was a song and life was a ball.

I was never perfect, neither were you,
And one day we said, Fuck You!

Why then does it matter now,
You moved on and I lived somehow.

Tell me your fears and I will tell you mine,
Who gives a shit, neither your Dad nor mine.

Calories have burnt when I dint try,
I read your text and my brain cells fry.

Tags were removed and pictures deleted,
Only if the time lost could be repleted.

Ex is now what we call,
Stupid and insane in overhaul.

Into The Wild

Darker the night, brighter the stars!

The path we tread is not always a bed of roses. Sometimes without our knowledge the destination changes. We were supposed to travel to a holiday destination, how did it end up in hell hole. Thats how life is just meant to be.

Roads will always be there. We need to find the right one to walk along. Changes in life are good, no matter how murky and judged you may feel. Changes are there for a reason. Its there because you made some errors, its there because you need to learn. Its there, so that you get a fresh start. We are not complacent out of our comfort zone. But what else would life be, if its not one hell of a roller coaster ride after all.

We often see pictures of happy faces and presume they have the most blessed life on earth. Its only before those pictures, there would  have been atrocious grief. Grief, which no one is supposed to know. No one leads their "perfect life". We need to make things perfect which exists. No one wronged you, because no one is bad person. People react as and how circumstances trigger them. That does not make someone less of a human.
So what if you are at the receiving end at times, there will be another day when you will beholding the gun.

A perfect Sunday is never perfect. A perfect marriage is never perfect. Perfect children are never perfect, so is never this perfect LIFE. But there are Sundays which are just beyond perfect when they were not meant to be. How did THAT happen? It happened because you deserved it. It happens because you will always be bestowed with gifts you did not ask for. Preserve that gift but don't obsess over it, because one day that gift will also not be perfect.

Rhyme worth a dime.

The hair which looked fragile,
Has been fathomed to shine.

The shades of time,
The wrath and grime.
Shrouded well, the crevices and fine lines.

Took on the heat and wheezed still,
Fluttered and seduced, but decayed still.

Salted and peppered,
Straightened and tampered.
Flinched to be touched to be felt withered.

Danced  in revelry and sweated in sultry.
Bounce they said, fatigued it heaved.

Washed to the roots, matched with the boots.
Tied in a knot, acquitted at last.

Set wild to grow and cropped to show.
Got drenched in rain and trickled in vain.

Kept growing till the last breath,
Was it in genes, or was it just the dead cells.

Caressed in love and torn in trial.
It broke a little with every consequence dire.

Whats in the mirror that made you turn.
Which made your day, and to never return.

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Eternal Musings Of a Loquacious Mind

Yes, its up, close and personal now. Lately, my mind talks a lot to me. Most of it does not make sense (talk about the irony), but at times it does. It's like a disjointed entity that shoves it's logic upon me. It gives me signs, warns me, eludes me, makes me laugh and most of the time I shout at it, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Well, it won't, has a mind of it's own you see.

I have always talked about all the fun stuff in my blogs. But what about pain and disappointment. After all a major chunk of this generation faces it more often than their annual appraisals. How many times have you had a FULL day without one negative influence trying to pull your spirit down. Yeah, you grumpy faces, I am talking about you.

Life surprises us in more ways than Sallu Bhai's movies. At times you are in absolute awe of it and other times you wish you had a loaded gun after the movie was over. However, every movie leaves you with a nice jingle. Likewise, is LIFE.

I have had my share of uncalled for rendezvous with life. I have witnessed death, disease, bad job, heartbreak and what not. Things which we always shield ourselves from. No matter how shielded you are, things find a way of encroaching your horizons like an unguarded missile. You wish it was a bad dream. You wish it's all a hoax. You wish it never happened. But wish my friend is not reality. You suffer in pain. Your mind enslaves you with all possible cynicism. No matter how much you try, you are unable to snap out of this loop. But one day the suffering ends and surprises you how you got over it. You feel empowered and you know you have scaled up one notch higher. And you are all guns blazing once you have made truce with your biggest fears.

I recall an instance when a friend of mine was going through a cataclysmic chapter. Her long term relationship came to an abrupt end. She felt cheated, vulnerable, wrecked and junked. Trust me, her anguish lasted for not more than 3 days. When I questioned her about this secret super power, you would be surprised what did the trick. She used to rant about this guy being like a snake. He hardly ever fought with her, never abused, never used violence, but one fine day out of nowhere he decided to call it quits. He was just bored and not into her anymore. For 3 days at a stretch she whined and howled and wished he would come back and things would be fine. He DID NOT. Then one day she started analyzing the situation, what went wrong. She just couldn't sink it in. Then she started picturing him like a snake. A calm quiet snake, which makes no noise, creates no havoc, has innocent eyes and out of nowhere takes its fangs out and bites the one close to him. That person is poisoned and scarred to life, and the snake wriggles out into its hideout. It was like a wake up call. A snake is a snake and can never be a pet. Now, every time she thought of him she imagined a snake instead of his face. His thoughts only makes her laugh now. Magic does exist :)

The problem only exists in our mind. If we have had our share of joy, we have to have our share of sorrow. This cycle is inevitable. The adversities will someday break your back. You might not have the endurance to walk. Start crawling. You might hurt your knees or scrape your elbows, but the idea is to keep moving. One day you will reach your haven and no sooner you will be running at a jet speed, UNSTOPPABLE.

Dear heart, take heart.
Coz' I am not done yet!

The more you break, the more you beat.
The more you beat, the more I am alive.

You do hurt at times. You also shower selfless love.
You shrink in a corner and then you jump with joy.

O' Heart, take heart.
There will be more blood to pump.

If you beat for me, why should something beat me.
You have not been wrong. It was mind that played the games.

x-x-x

The Bucket List

Last year had been a complete freak show. Well, don't we reiterate that every year. I am yet to come to terms with the fact that 2014 has ended....well almost. Time to prepare by bucket list for 2015 already! Blaady......what about 2014 list. Ignorance is bliss my friend.

Its not that I did not gain anything this year. I did gain few things, like extra pounds (not the currency), grey hair (!@#$), Few more friends on Facebook, who are probably blocked by now, over-time pay at work and, 400 levels in Candy Crush.

Anyways, this time, I really do want to introspect and prepare a bucket list for myself. Sorry, it does not include the 'Ice Bucket Challenge'.
As procrastination is my middle name, the list might serve for 2016 as well. Does not really matter actually, until there is a list in black and white.

#1 Topnotch priority is, visit to the Spiti Valley and Kufri in Himachal Pradesh, along with munching on fresh      apples straight from the grooves in Manali.

#2 Sale or no sale, have money, will buy that Guess handbag.

#3 Will write atleast a blog a month.

#4 Snorkeling in the Andamans.

#5 Abs like Deepika. Okay, we might omit this one.

#6 Will read a book every month.

#7 Personal Website.

#8 Work for a different firm.

#9 Buy my own car

#10 Goa to banta hai ek baar!

*Conditions Apply

*The above list is editable at author's whim and fancy. The author is not responsible if the leaves don't get approved and inflation scores another level.

No,Seriously!

#F-BookChronicles

Now, blogging this article, I feel like I am experiencing 'Chutzpah', for being a social media addict myself. For those, who did not get it, do watch HAIDER.

Mankind has reached the stage of Nirvana.We have started looking at the inner beauty of things. Clicking pics of insects with ultra zoom lenses has become socially acceptable. Every DSLR owner worth its salt must post pictures of insects/flowers/rain drops/cow shit with #NaturePhotography. Ever wondered what if there was a button next to "like" such as "Boooo". There I go again....'Chutzpah' moment.

Checking In....

Most checked in place on earth are airports. Specially when someone is flying abroad. As if there was any other mode of transport. Every Indian worth its salt  need to abide by the unsaid rule of checking into the International Airport even if he is flying to Ladakh. 

Gone are the days when clicking pics in Starbucks, abroad to show off to fellow Indians back home, was a moment of national pride. The big brands have eventually made their way into Mother India. Indianization of such food chains have satisfied aunties and uncles alike with their local variants. For instance, McAlooTikki (or, as McDonalds describes it, a mouth watering fried potato patty infused with Indian spices so scarce that the British could rule another 100 years to find them, had they not lost to Aamir's team in Lagaan)

Ever since FB came into being, our ladies have rediscovered the purpose of their being, ofcourse after the Sasuraal Simar Ka... troll. That is, posting pictures of dishes captioned such as, "Tried lauki daal with extra dhaniya....my surprise to hubby <3" while on the other side dear hubby caught posting "Work work work....hate to stay at office on a weekend". 

Our new age mommies don't crib often nowadays, as posting cute baby pics is their new found passion, coz preparing baby food and babysitting without instagramming is just too mainstream. #CutebabyEatsTheCameraAsMommyIsBusyPhotoshopping.

Festivals in India have evolved over the years too. Now people not posting happy pictures in their ethnic avatar might be hashtagged into #SocialOutcasts. Now people do gather for a  #HappyfamilyMoment.

Our Indian diaspora has now acquired a new obsession of jugaad, ie it is now much more easier to beg for jobs and recommendations. We have LinkedIn.  Now one can shamelessly publish their resume on the profile and add people as "recommendations". Now asking for job opportunities from complete strangers is counted as professional etiquette. Not to forget, it also serves as a reality check for the Shaadi.com mongers.

I can go on and on, but I do not wish my effigies to be burnt on the streets with #Moron #Jobless #MissuseOfFreedomOfSpeech. And, in case you wish to curse me cumulatively, I had declared Chutzpah moment as a disclaimer ;)