Wednesday, 29 January 2014

The Good Indian Girl

No sooner is a girl child born in India, the whole melodrama of molding her into "the good Indian girl" kick starts with great tenacity. Somehow, a furrow, a wrinkle or a crooked smile escapes on the faces of the family members when the nurse divulges, "Its a GIRL!!". She might as well say, "Brace yourselves".

Metro cities have mostly been liberal towards girls to some extent. The scenario in small towns though, is way too funny.

So here are the good Indian girl traits she is supposed to imbibe in all forms possible.

1. She has NO boyfriends. It does not matter if she is a tom boy by nature. She is supposed to be comfortable only with girls.

2. She is supposed to excel in studies. An average student is a disgrace to the family (Okay, mostly), even though she is intended to be married off to deliver the role of an apropos housewife. Anything below 80% means, "she is just a girl after all".

3. She excels in "Paak Shaastra" (cooking). It does not matter if she holds a revered position in her work place and has other virtues which share the bread and butter for the family. Its as good as being a pseudo-girl if cooking is something she detests.

4. She does not follow fashion with utmost enthusiasm. It would mean, she is just somebody too frivolous with least respect for Indian culture. Like wearing a mini skirt would make you 20% Indian and a salwar kameez dupatta would grant a 100% guarantee certificate.

5. She has sane friends and enjoys sane music. Anything like hard rock would evoke comments like "hath se nikal gyi hai ye ladki".

6. She is not supposed to voice her opinion unabashedly. It would mean she is too bold and outspoken, or rather the kind of vamps broadcasted on daily soaps. Silence is considered to be the biggest virtue of the good Indian girl.

7. She does not party. It would mean she smokes and drinks. That would mean she has no morals. That would mean she cannot be a good wife or a good mother. Not that I am promoting smoking or drinking, but character certificate is surely not up to snuff.

8. She follows fasting atleast once a week and partakes in religious rites. A person can be an atheist by nature or may not be staunch religious. It is a personal choice. But in our Indian society, you may not believe in it, but you have got to fake it with utmost devotion.

9. How did I miss...the most venerable virtue is VIRGINITY. It can defy all other virtues. Since she cannot be vocal about it, her histrionic skills come to play or foreplay. If you have lost it, how clever can you be to hide it. Your life depends on it. If you do not get caught, you are a goddess, and if you are dumb enough to get caught, you are more than just impure. Oh yes, and the last resort is that cycle ride if nothing works out.

Well, irony of the situation is women do not understand women. We would be the first ones to raise fingers and demean other women at the drop of a hat. Sometimes knowingly and at times unknowingly. Then,why do we expect our men to shower rose petals on our way, when we would find ways to pelt stones at each other.


Thursday, 9 January 2014

Dope-shope and Misogyny

DISCLAIMER - Yo yo fans may close this window right away! This blog is an expression of an unproductive, free and violent mind and the protagonist has been targeted to let off some steam, in the wider interest of 'womankind'.Reader's discretion is not required at all. You can judge me as feminist, racist, sexist, mentalist, terrorist and all those scary words ending with 'ist'. I really don't give a rat's ass!

'Hirdesh Singh' aka 'Yo yo Honey Singh' seems to have actually climbed up the ladder of stardom at the cost of the integrity of women. This era has witnessed the heights of self obsession. It went as far as, prefixing one's name with "Yo Yo". We understand that you have studied music from UK, but all that you learnt was "Yo yo"? Really??? 

The debut album released was nothing but a D grade adult movie streaming audio. I take a bow to the women who have mustered the courage to listen to the whole song.He was slammed with court charges for using vulgar and abusive language against women and Yo yo instantly denied having sung that song in the first place and later apologized to the masses (After having made millions already).

Followed by mixed reactions, eventually the whole brouhaha fizzed out. 

I have few questions for yo yo...

1. What is more assaulting to women in your opinion? Rape or your rap? Or both are equally fun for you.....If at all you care.

2. When you goto a restaurant, what do you order? 'A piece of meat' or 'women'? (Considering both are synonymous in your context).

3. Lately you have addressed the media stating that you are making a different kind of honey. As in, singing 'clean' songs. So can we presume that the bikini clad women in your album are your sisters, and when you rap "Saanu das de ki hai rate" (tell me what is your rate), you are actually asking the waitress the rate on the menu card or something like that?

4. Are the "Taaus"(uncles) still waiting for you in Hoshiyarpur (your native) angrily ,with bamboo sticks in hand, ranting "Ki matlab hai twada, kitna bhi chakho kuch fresh naiyyo milna, second hand hi milna" (What do you mean by, "taste how much ever you want, it would be stale or used")? Pun intended.

5. Hot girl - check, Ferrari- check, diamond studs - check, gold chain - check, Rupa's baniyaan - check....please tell me one thing, what is the function of those dark glasses even though its midnight and you are driving through the tunnel? Is this some weird fashion fad or your teeny weeny eyes you want to hide???

6.You showcase women smoking,drinking and doping among other things unabashedly, and of course drooling all over you in your videos. Are you promoting women empowerment or 'bad habbits'? Or is it the general perception you want to portray of a women ("Nashe di dukaan"), that we are immoral beings, only born to please you?

7. In your song "Brown Rang" from album International Villager, you rap "white chicks, no, I dont like them anymore". Is this a tirade against your ex British girlfriend who dumped you for a white guy? Smart girl I say!

8. Down south, people are indifferent to your music as they hardly understand your lyrics. They have one question though....Who the hell goes to a Disco wearing a "lungi"?

9. In your song,"We do party all night", you quote "----- me dum hai to band karwa do".
Wasn't your New Year's Eve concert banned in Gurgaon? Where were you doing party all night on NYE....ALONE??

Click Here

Accept it...being a MISOGYNIST is not cool. It makes you an International Villager for sure.








Thursday, 2 January 2014

D-ARRANGED MARRIAGE

DISCLAIMER: This blog gives no guarantee of instilling  your faith into marriage. It might make you, want to deactivate your matrimonial profiles. The author is not to be blamed for defaming a person living or probably dead. The characters and role plays are completely non fictitious and bear strong resemblance to author's life.

Why do people opt for arranged marriage?? A failed past relationship, lack of interest in the dating game, parental pressure, no luck so far, a scratch card to a 'better post paid plan' or plain curiousness to unfold the mysteriousness of it all. Luck favors the Brave! (not necessarily in this scenario).

So, as most of my friends are busy, either posting their wedding pictures or doing post maternal shopping, I tend to gel more with the still confused singles lot. Most of them are sailing in the same boat, vagrant on the path of finding the true match through arranged means, till the biological clock is ticking and loud. Whatsoever, we never fall short of interesting banter around this topic.

Case I

Shankar is a tamilian by culture and punjabi by nature. He has always been in relationships with jaws dropping, drop dead gorgeous women. Unfortunately, none worked out in the long run and now, he has decided to find arranged love, even if its from the suburbs of Tamil Nadu. One fine day, I inquire how was the bride hunt going so far. He answers with utter dejection.

Shankar: "Whom do you think was the worst looking lady in the organization we worked in"?

Me: "Ummm....I guess Sheila (name changed as I wish to live some more). BTW, she resembled Tun tun in all aspects."

Shankar: "Well, Sheila looks better than the best proposal I have received till date. I just asked the girl once  on the first meeting, what are your likes and dislikes, and you know what she said?? "I dont like shorts". I even tried to placate her, that I am fine with whatever she is comfortable with. She replies curtly,
"Not for me, for YOU". 

Obviously, Shankar kick started his bike in no time and rode away to sanity.

(Dreamum, wakapum, crtical conditionum indeed!)

Case II

My friend Archana shared this episode, of the first meeting with a guy (Phoren return) near Forum Mall CCD.

Archana (On call): "We are waiting for you in CCD. Where are you?

Phoren Return: "I am driving my SCODA RAPID, I am near Forum".

Archana : "Okayyyy. You can park there and walk down across the road. Else, you might get stuck in traffic".

Phoren Return: "Well, its not a problem, my SCODA RAPID sails smoothly through traffic".

After an hour

Phoren Return: "Sorry babez, I am late! I am not used to this Indian traffic, you see! In the US, my BMW takes minutes to cut through and reach wherever I want".Holy cow! My Tag-Heuer is 5 mins late.  I forgot to polish my Jimmy Choo in hurry.....bla...bla...bla.."

Archana : "What are your expectations from this marriage?"

Phoren Return: "I dont want anything for myself. Its only for our future. A flat in Bangalore and 35 lakhs cash (FD is optional)".

Needless to say, he had to drive back in his SKODA RAPID with a big "NO".

The apt song playing is his car ..."Mera joota hai japani. ye patloon hai Armani..."

Case III 

Mr XYZ: "Looking at your FB profile, I thought you are an over smart kinda girl".

Me: Thankyou.....Errrr....EXCUSE ME!!!???!!? (Read: Bite Me!)

Mr XYZ: "I want the wedding to happen in Nov or Dec. Winters is a good time for couples"

Me: "What are you talking again??? We have just met a couple of minutes back. Dont you think, its too early to even judge if we are a good match?"

Mr XYZ: "Oh yeah, I just matched our kundalis online on my mobile app and it shows 20/36. We sure are! I guess you like traveling. What do you think about Thailand?"

Me: "Supposedly a good tourist spot. Why?"

Mr XYZ: "We can plan our honeymoon there."

Me: "Whattttttt!!"

Aghast. Stupefied. I ran for my life. Feel sorry for his Thailand debacle though.

Song?? I guess yoga help should be solicited for the honeymoon craver.

Irony of the situation is, no matter how tempting the shaadi ka laddoo is from outside, it always runs a chance of afflicting you with severe diabetes, lifelong at that.

Someday, I shall have this of my own. Marriage business is never going to run out of business. 




                                True that!




How convenient. My eyes have welled up witnessing such thoughtfulness...