The Bucket List

Last year had been a complete freak show. Well, don't we reiterate that every year. I am yet to come to terms with the fact that 2014 has ended....well almost. Time to prepare by bucket list for 2015 already! Blaady......what about 2014 list. Ignorance is bliss my friend.

Its not that I did not gain anything this year. I did gain few things, like extra pounds (not the currency), grey hair (!@#$), Few more friends on Facebook, who are probably blocked by now, over-time pay at work and, 400 levels in Candy Crush.

Anyways, this time, I really do want to introspect and prepare a bucket list for myself. Sorry, it does not include the 'Ice Bucket Challenge'.
As procrastination is my middle name, the list might serve for 2016 as well. Does not really matter actually, until there is a list in black and white.

#1 Topnotch priority is, visit to the Spiti Valley and Kufri in Himachal Pradesh, along with munching on fresh      apples straight from the grooves in Manali.

#2 Sale or no sale, have money, will buy that Guess handbag.

#3 Will write atleast a blog a month.

#4 Snorkeling in the Andamans.

#5 Abs like Deepika. Okay, we might omit this one.

#6 Will read a book every month.

#7 Personal Website.

#8 Work for a different firm.

#9 Buy my own car

#10 Goa to banta hai ek baar!

*Conditions Apply

*The above list is editable at author's whim and fancy. The author is not responsible if the leaves don't get approved and inflation scores another level.

No,Seriously!

#F-BookChronicles

Now, blogging this article, I feel like I am experiencing 'Chutzpah', for being a social media addict myself. For those, who did not get it, do watch HAIDER.

Mankind has reached the stage of Nirvana.We have started looking at the inner beauty of things. Clicking pics of insects with ultra zoom lenses has become socially acceptable. Every DSLR owner worth its salt must post pictures of insects/flowers/rain drops/cow shit with #NaturePhotography. Ever wondered what if there was a button next to "like" such as "Boooo". There I go again....'Chutzpah' moment.

Checking In....

Most checked in place on earth are airports. Specially when someone is flying abroad. As if there was any other mode of transport. Every Indian worth its salt  need to abide by the unsaid rule of checking into the International Airport even if he is flying to Ladakh. 

Gone are the days when clicking pics in Starbucks, abroad to show off to fellow Indians back home, was a moment of national pride. The big brands have eventually made their way into Mother India. Indianization of such food chains have satisfied aunties and uncles alike with their local variants. For instance, McAlooTikki (or, as McDonalds describes it, a mouth watering fried potato patty infused with Indian spices so scarce that the British could rule another 100 years to find them, had they not lost to Aamir's team in Lagaan)

Ever since FB came into being, our ladies have rediscovered the purpose of their being, ofcourse after the Sasuraal Simar Ka... troll. That is, posting pictures of dishes captioned such as, "Tried lauki daal with extra dhaniya....my surprise to hubby <3" while on the other side dear hubby caught posting "Work work work....hate to stay at office on a weekend". 

Our new age mommies don't crib often nowadays, as posting cute baby pics is their new found passion, coz preparing baby food and babysitting without instagramming is just too mainstream. #CutebabyEatsTheCameraAsMommyIsBusyPhotoshopping.

Festivals in India have evolved over the years too. Now people not posting happy pictures in their ethnic avatar might be hashtagged into #SocialOutcasts. Now people do gather for a  #HappyfamilyMoment.

Our Indian diaspora has now acquired a new obsession of jugaad, ie it is now much more easier to beg for jobs and recommendations. We have LinkedIn.  Now one can shamelessly publish their resume on the profile and add people as "recommendations". Now asking for job opportunities from complete strangers is counted as professional etiquette. Not to forget, it also serves as a reality check for the Shaadi.com mongers.

I can go on and on, but I do not wish my effigies to be burnt on the streets with #Moron #Jobless #MissuseOfFreedomOfSpeech. And, in case you wish to curse me cumulatively, I had declared Chutzpah moment as a disclaimer ;)

Elections in India 2014 - Comedy of Errrrr ors

As a kid, I never understood why the older generation was so much into politics. I always disregarded this topic as it bored me to death. Why was I supposed to bother who the damned person on earth is elected for whatsoever chair. And who the hell goes out to vote in the sun when you can sleep for the whole day on a paid leave.

Now I know why. It is a matured man's entertainment. A live opera for the working class. A power packed drama replete with comedy, action, revenge, dumdaar dialogues and everything that makes bollywood take a backseat for a while.

Like any hit masala flick, Indian election 2014, has all the ingredients grinded together, that serves hot till the release date. The destiny of our country designed by the caricatures, etched in the political mayhem.

1. Like every bollywood movie, there is a widowed "Maa" (Godmother). Only this time, she hails from Italy and claims to be more Indian than Bharat maata (Mother India) herself. She has been ruling India without ever becoming the Prime Minister of India...Well, It happens only in India!

2. Then there is the "Shehzaada" (prince), whose IQ could be lesser than the temperature of Delhi in peak winters. The Godmother reserves the place for Him to become the king by all means possible, but the 'shehzaada' blabbers out his fallacy to the nation. Ask him the solution to India's communal war...and he utters "Women empowerment" Tch..tch...tch!

3. There is no hero here, only 'superhero', who gets a whole clan butchered in communal war in his tenure as Chief Minister of Gujrat, gets a clean chit and proclaims to be the lone savior of Hinduism. His speech is tenacious and is permeated with words like Hindutva-Hindustan-Hindu-Shehzaade-Zeher-Corruption-Hindutva-Hindustaan-Hindu......and so on. A strong contender for the post of PM, has taken the nation by storm with his "Modified" campaigns.

4. There is a new launch who claims to be an Aam Admi (Mango Man) and gets slapped by an auto driver for reasons known to the whole nation. The dude slaps lawsuit and fines on anyone/everyone rich, wins the confidence of people, becomes the Cheif Minister of Delhi, makes lots of enemies, resigns from the post in 6 weeks and contests again for the post of Prime Minister....Heights of being ambitious I say! All that the AAP followers have to say now is.. "Kya Chu**** Banaya".

5. The "Didi", managed to kick the communist party, which had been ruling for 30 odd years in West Bengal, out of power. Ask her any controversial question and you might end up behind the bars on the grounds of being communist or maoist, depending on her mood that day.

6. The hyper media - The political ad campaigns have gone to all new levels inundating the social media with the likes of "Janta maaf nahi karegi" lamers doing the rounds on FM and TV and FB and Godforsaken Whatsapp too!

But Arnab Goswami takes away the cake, and also the pride of his guests.

The infamous news anchor has mastered the art of asking his guests nudging questions,chiding their replies with further accusations and then yelling at them for not answering the question he did not let them answer.

7.The Sothern Take - Down south the "Amma" (Jayalalitha), the current CM of Tamil Nadu, exhibits what women empowerment in it's true sense. Her majesty's greatness is so great that the likes of Obama and Putin bow down to her. When bored of dodging criminal cases, Karunanidhi and Amma are busy spewing venom at each other.

8. The Item Number - How can Indian Politics be untouched with an item number. This year guess who is contesting for the PM job? Rakhi Sawant it is. The plastic surgery fanatic has decided to take her attention seeking worm to the political level. Contesting as an individual candidate, she talks more about her khadi designer than national issues (only if she is aware of any). Is she stands a chance,of all we know, Chunkey Pandey might be our next PM

Amongst all this brouhaha, no matter how good, bad or ugly the melodrama looks like, do not forget that the "Right to Vote" is one of the greatest rights our country and our democracy has given us, that we should enforce with our wits.

Bollywood Bananas

PREAMBLE - We the people of India, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a Sovereign Socialist Secular Democratic Bollywood frenzy Republic. We make peace with our foes through our cinema. We have more Khans in Bollywood than in Pakistan. We are harmless - Hence Proved. 

The Indian Cinema is the ultimate gospel for us cinephiles. We have started believing the unbelievable. We do not question our heroes, when he battles 100 goons (all double his size) and manages to get away with few droplets of blood streaming down is nose or lips. P.S. - No first aid is as curative as the bandage of the torn pallu of his heroine.

We do not question the illegible censor board certificate with it's miniscule writing, which for some reason, the audience tries to decode as if it was Anil Ambani's will presented on 360mm wide screen, which the audience gets to divide among themselves. The only characters visible and worth reading are V/A or V/UA (this would provoke few people to leave the theater swearing under their breath).

We do not question the flamboyancy of our Bollywood movies, where everything is Queen size. Be it their bed, house, location, family (that of Alok Nath's) or even their motorbikes (Please watch Dhoom 3 if you have suicidal tendencies, and make the suicide happen). An impromptu dance number is always welcome, be it a wedding or a funeral. If it's a foreign location, the itch to dance multiplies manifold. It does not matter if its a busy public spot. For others it might be crazy, but for us, it is the spread of Indian culture.

The unquestionable part of the Bollywood movie is that it is twice or even thrice the length of a Hollywood movie, with 1/3rd of its content. The interval serves a good reason to crib about the movie and consume double the popcorn in anticipation of how bad the other half could be.

We do not question our Heroes, when He defies the laws of Physics, like that of gravity, relativity, motion, inertia....etc(Rohit Shetty being the new Newton). Our heroes only abides by His INLAWs. They even outshine the superheroes. No matter how many bullets have pierced His body, He does not die before completing His dialogue. He is either ultra rich or ultra poor. The heroines are the delicate darlings who, besides staring at the mirror and murmuring to themselves, perpetually admiring at their beauty, also run around the bushes and promote Go Green.Contrary to the popular belief, it is always the vamp lady who reunites the family after a change of heart. Bloody! :P

The villians are the most disciplined ones. They are quite cooperative and choose to come only one by one to confront the hero, while the others form a circle and patiently wait for their turn to get beaten to pulp. As soon as they get beaten, with the mandatory dhishum dhishum as the background score, each one falls down on some extreme corner and lies there wriggling in pain.

Horror movies are equally eccentric. Mostly, people come out of theaters laughing, as it turns into unintentional comedy movie. It gets tough to decipher what was more ghastly, the funny makeup of the ghost, the shrill background music deafening the audience, the kinky heroine or the old skinny doorman steadily upholding the lantern for decades. For some reason the old housekeeper remains unattacked in the haunted house. 
For example, Vikram Bhatt's Haunted (not to forget -3D) where he uses the formulaic horror tropes - mist, screeching doors, books that fall by themselves and blaring background music that insists that you be scared. To top it all there is a ghost rape too....

Howbeit, our movies have garnered true-blue fan base overseas for unknown reasons. Maybe it is....

1)  Audiences feel that it is their moral responsibility to watch Abhishek Bachhan and Uday Chopra's movies as a mark of respect to their dads.

2) They have not seen any of Tusshar Kapoor's movies yet. Otherwise, the global boycott of Indian cinema was inevitable.

3) They are still wondering, why is Yo yo Honey Singh paid more than the hero, when he is not even there in the film and why does he attempt to rap like Eminem.

4) Katrina Kaif is getting hotter than global warming.

5) They want to crack the mystery, how can Raknikant be born before his father.

6) They want to know who is this guy Karan Johar, whose movies have the "senti" quotient to the par of lunacy.

7) Salman Khan's wriggle and jiggle has been misconstrued as a different kind of dance form altogether to beat constipation.

Shah Rukh and Salman reunite....whatever that means

LOL :D

P.S:  This monograph is subject to market risks. Viewer's discretion is required before spending on PVR tickets. Get a Wi Fi for God's sake!

The Good Indian Girl

No sooner is a girl child born in India, the whole melodrama of molding her into "the good Indian girl" kick starts with great tenacity. Somehow, a furrow, a wrinkle or a crooked smile escapes on the faces of the family members when the nurse divulges, "Its a GIRL!!". She might as well say, "Brace yourselves".

Metro cities have mostly been liberal towards girls to some extent. The scenario in small towns though, is way too funny.

So here are the good Indian girl traits she is supposed to imbibe in all forms possible.

1. She has NO boyfriends. It does not matter if she is a tom boy by nature. She is supposed to be comfortable only with girls.

2. She is supposed to excel in studies. An average student is a disgrace to the family (Okay, mostly), even though she is intended to be married off to deliver the role of an apropos housewife. Anything below 80% means, "she is just a girl after all".

3. She excels in "Paak Shaastra" (cooking). It does not matter if she holds a revered position in her work place and has other virtues which share the bread and butter for the family. Its as good as being a pseudo-girl if cooking is something she detests.

4. She does not follow fashion with utmost enthusiasm. It would mean, she is just somebody too frivolous with least respect for Indian culture. Like wearing a mini skirt would make you 20% Indian and a salwar kameez dupatta would grant a 100% guarantee certificate.

5. She has sane friends and enjoys sane music. Anything like hard rock would evoke comments like "hath se nikal gyi hai ye ladki".

6. She is not supposed to voice her opinion unabashedly. It would mean she is too bold and outspoken, or rather the kind of vamps broadcasted on daily soaps. Silence is considered to be the biggest virtue of the good Indian girl.

7. She does not party. It would mean she smokes and drinks. That would mean she has no morals. That would mean she cannot be a good wife or a good mother. Not that I am promoting smoking or drinking, but character certificate is surely not up to snuff.

8. She follows fasting atleast once a week and partakes in religious rites. A person can be an atheist by nature or may not be staunch religious. It is a personal choice. But in our Indian society, you may not believe in it, but you have got to fake it with utmost devotion.

9. How did I miss...the most venerable virtue is VIRGINITY. It can defy all other virtues. Since she cannot be vocal about it, her histrionic skills come to play or foreplay. If you have lost it, how clever can you be to hide it. Your life depends on it. If you do not get caught, you are a goddess, and if you are dumb enough to get caught, you are more than just impure. Oh yes, and the last resort is that cycle ride if nothing works out.

Well, irony of the situation is women do not understand women. We would be the first ones to raise fingers and demean other women at the drop of a hat. Sometimes knowingly and at times unknowingly. Then,why do we expect our men to shower rose petals on our way, when we would find ways to pelt stones at each other.

Dope-shope and Misogyny

DISCLAIMER - Yo yo fans may close this window right away! This blog is an expression of an unproductive, free and violent mind and the protagonist has been targeted to let off some steam, in the wider interest of 'womankind'.Reader's discretion is not required at all. You can judge me as feminist, racist, sexist, mentalist, terrorist and all those scary words ending with 'ist'. I really don't give a rat's ass!

'Hirdesh Singh' aka 'Yo yo Honey Singh' seems to have actually climbed up the ladder of stardom at the cost of the integrity of women. This era has witnessed the heights of self obsession. It went as far as, prefixing one's name with "Yo Yo". We understand that you have studied music from UK, but all that you learnt was "Yo yo"? Really??? 

The debut album released was nothing but a D grade adult movie streaming audio. I take a bow to the women who have mustered the courage to listen to the whole song.He was slammed with court charges for using vulgar and abusive language against women and Yo yo instantly denied having sung that song in the first place and later apologized to the masses (After having made millions already).

Followed by mixed reactions, eventually the whole brouhaha fizzed out. 

I have few questions for yo yo...

1. What is more assaulting to women in your opinion? Rape or your rap? Or both are equally fun for you.....If at all you care.

2. When you goto a restaurant, what do you order? 'A piece of meat' or 'women'? (Considering both are synonymous in your context).

3. Lately you have addressed the media stating that you are making a different kind of honey. As in, singing 'clean' songs. So can we presume that the bikini clad women in your album are your sisters, and when you rap "Saanu das de ki hai rate" (tell me what is your rate), you are actually asking the waitress the rate on the menu card or something like that?

4. Are the "Taaus"(uncles) still waiting for you in Hoshiyarpur (your native) angrily ,with bamboo sticks in hand, ranting "Ki matlab hai twada, kitna bhi chakho kuch fresh naiyyo milna, second hand hi milna" (What do you mean by, "taste how much ever you want, it would be stale or used")? Pun intended.

5. Hot girl - check, Ferrari- check, diamond studs - check, gold chain - check, Rupa's baniyaan - check....please tell me one thing, what is the function of those dark glasses even though its midnight and you are driving through the tunnel? Is this some weird fashion fad or your teeny weeny eyes you want to hide???

6.You showcase women smoking,drinking and doping among other things unabashedly, and of course drooling all over you in your videos. Are you promoting women empowerment or 'bad habbits'? Or is it the general perception you want to portray of a women ("Nashe di dukaan"), that we are immoral beings, only born to please you?

7. In your song "Brown Rang" from album International Villager, you rap "white chicks, no, I dont like them anymore". Is this a tirade against your ex British girlfriend who dumped you for a white guy? Smart girl I say!

8. Down south, people are indifferent to your music as they hardly understand your lyrics. They have one question though....Who the hell goes to a Disco wearing a "lungi"?

9. In your song,"We do party all night", you quote "----- me dum hai to band karwa do".
Wasn't your New Year's Eve concert banned in Gurgaon? Where were you doing party all night on NYE....ALONE??

Click Here

Accept it...being a MISOGYNIST is not cool. It makes you an International Villager for sure.

D-ARRANGED MARRIAGE

DISCLAIMER: This blog gives no guarantee of instilling  your faith into marriage. It might make you, want to deactivate your matrimonial profiles. The author is not to be blamed for defaming a person living or probably dead. The characters and role plays are completely non fictitious and bear strong resemblance to author's life.

Why do people opt for arranged marriage?? A failed past relationship, lack of interest in the dating game, parental pressure, no luck so far, a scratch card to a 'better post paid plan' or plain curiousness to unfold the mysteriousness of it all. Luck favors the Brave! (not necessarily in this scenario).

So, as most of my friends are busy, either posting their wedding pictures or doing post maternal shopping, I tend to gel more with the still confused singles lot. Most of them are sailing in the same boat, vagrant on the path of finding the true match through arranged means, till the biological clock is ticking and loud. Whatsoever, we never fall short of interesting banter around this topic.

Case I

Shankar is a tamilian by culture and punjabi by nature. He has always been in relationships with jaws dropping, drop dead gorgeous women. Unfortunately, none worked out in the long run and now, he has decided to find arranged love, even if its from the suburbs of Tamil Nadu. One fine day, I inquire how was the bride hunt going so far. He answers with utter dejection.

Shankar: "Whom do you think was the worst looking lady in the organization we worked in"?

Me: "Ummm....I guess Sheila (name changed as I wish to live some more). BTW, she resembled Tun tun in all aspects."

Shankar: "Well, Sheila looks better than the best proposal I have received till date. I just asked the girl once  on the first meeting, what are your likes and dislikes, and you know what she said?? "I dont like shorts". I even tried to placate her, that I am fine with whatever she is comfortable with. She replies curtly,
"Not for me, for YOU". 

Obviously, Shankar kick started his bike in no time and rode away to sanity.

(Dreamum, wakapum, crtical conditionum indeed!)

Case II

My friend Archana shared this episode, of the first meeting with a guy (Phoren return) near Forum Mall CCD.

Archana (On call): "We are waiting for you in CCD. Where are you?

Phoren Return: "I am driving my SCODA RAPID, I am near Forum".

Archana : "Okayyyy. You can park there and walk down across the road. Else, you might get stuck in traffic".

Phoren Return: "Well, its not a problem, my SCODA RAPID sails smoothly through traffic".

After an hour

Phoren Return: "Sorry babez, I am late! I am not used to this Indian traffic, you see! In the US, my BMW takes minutes to cut through and reach wherever I want".Holy cow! My Tag-Heuer is 5 mins late.  I forgot to polish my Jimmy Choo in hurry.....bla...bla...bla.."

Archana : "What are your expectations from this marriage?"

Phoren Return: "I dont want anything for myself. Its only for our future. A flat in Bangalore and 35 lakhs cash (FD is optional)".

Needless to say, he had to drive back in his SKODA RAPID with a big "NO".

The apt song playing is his car ..."Mera joota hai japani. ye patloon hai Armani..."

Case III 

Mr XYZ: "Looking at your FB profile, I thought you are an over smart kinda girl".

Me: Thankyou.....Errrr....EXCUSE ME!!!???!!? (Read: Bite Me!)

Mr XYZ: "I want the wedding to happen in Nov or Dec. Winters is a good time for couples"

Me: "What are you talking again??? We have just met a couple of minutes back. Dont you think, its too early to even judge if we are a good match?"

Mr XYZ: "Oh yeah, I just matched our kundalis online on my mobile app and it shows 20/36. We sure are! I guess you like traveling. What do you think about Thailand?"

Me: "Supposedly a good tourist spot. Why?"

Mr XYZ: "We can plan our honeymoon there."

Me: "Whattttttt!!"

Aghast. Stupefied. I ran for my life. Feel sorry for his Thailand debacle though.

Song?? I guess yoga help should be solicited for the honeymoon craver.

Irony of the situation is, no matter how tempting the shaadi ka laddoo is from outside, it always runs a chance of afflicting you with severe diabetes, lifelong at that.

Someday, I shall have this of my own. Marriage business is never going to run out of business. 

                                True that!

How convenient. My eyes have welled up witnessing such thoughtfulness...