The Good Indian Girl

No sooner is a girl child born in India, the whole melodrama of molding her into "the good Indian girl" kick starts with great tenacity. Somehow, a furrow, a wrinkle or a crooked smile escapes on the faces of the family members when the nurse divulges, "Its a GIRL!!". She might as well say, "Brace yourselves".

Metro cities have mostly been liberal towards girls to some extent. The scenario in small towns though, is way too funny.

So here are the good Indian girl traits she is supposed to imbibe in all forms possible.

1. She has NO boyfriends. It does not matter if she is a tom boy by nature. She is supposed to be comfortable only with girls.

2. She is supposed to excel in studies. An average student is a disgrace to the family (Okay, mostly), even though she is intended to be married off to deliver the role of an apropos housewife. Anything below 80% means, "she is just a girl after all".

3. She excels in "Paak Shaastra" (cooking). It does not matter if she holds a revered position in her work place and has other virtues which share the bread and butter for the family. Its as good as being a pseudo-girl if cooking is something she detests.

4. She does not follow fashion with utmost enthusiasm. It would mean, she is just somebody too frivolous with least respect for Indian culture. Like wearing a mini skirt would make you 20% Indian and a salwar kameez dupatta would grant a 100% guarantee certificate.

5. She has sane friends and enjoys sane music. Anything like hard rock would evoke comments like "hath se nikal gyi hai ye ladki".

6. She is not supposed to voice her opinion unabashedly. It would mean she is too bold and outspoken, or rather the kind of vamps broadcasted on daily soaps. Silence is considered to be the biggest virtue of the good Indian girl.

7. She does not party. It would mean she smokes and drinks. That would mean she has no morals. That would mean she cannot be a good wife or a good mother. Not that I am promoting smoking or drinking, but character certificate is surely not up to snuff.

8. She follows fasting atleast once a week and partakes in religious rites. A person can be an atheist by nature or may not be staunch religious. It is a personal choice. But in our Indian society, you may not believe in it, but you have got to fake it with utmost devotion.

9. How did I miss...the most venerable virtue is VIRGINITY. It can defy all other virtues. Since she cannot be vocal about it, her histrionic skills come to play or foreplay. If you have lost it, how clever can you be to hide it. Your life depends on it. If you do not get caught, you are a goddess, and if you are dumb enough to get caught, you are more than just impure. Oh yes, and the last resort is that cycle ride if nothing works out.

Well, irony of the situation is women do not understand women. We would be the first ones to raise fingers and demean other women at the drop of a hat. Sometimes knowingly and at times unknowingly. Then,why do we expect our men to shower rose petals on our way, when we would find ways to pelt stones at each other.

Dope-shope and Misogyny

DISCLAIMER - Yo yo fans may close this window right away! This blog is an expression of an unproductive, free and violent mind and the protagonist has been targeted to let off some steam, in the wider interest of 'womankind'.Reader's discretion is not required at all. You can judge me as feminist, racist, sexist, mentalist, terrorist and all those scary words ending with 'ist'. I really don't give a rat's ass!

'Hirdesh Singh' aka 'Yo yo Honey Singh' seems to have actually climbed up the ladder of stardom at the cost of the integrity of women. This era has witnessed the heights of self obsession. It went as far as, prefixing one's name with "Yo Yo". We understand that you have studied music from UK, but all that you learnt was "Yo yo"? Really??? 

The debut album released was nothing but a D grade adult movie streaming audio. I take a bow to the women who have mustered the courage to listen to the whole song.He was slammed with court charges for using vulgar and abusive language against women and Yo yo instantly denied having sung that song in the first place and later apologized to the masses (After having made millions already).

Followed by mixed reactions, eventually the whole brouhaha fizzed out. 

I have few questions for yo yo...

1. What is more assaulting to women in your opinion? Rape or your rap? Or both are equally fun for you.....If at all you care.

2. When you goto a restaurant, what do you order? 'A piece of meat' or 'women'? (Considering both are synonymous in your context).

3. Lately you have addressed the media stating that you are making a different kind of honey. As in, singing 'clean' songs. So can we presume that the bikini clad women in your album are your sisters, and when you rap "Saanu das de ki hai rate" (tell me what is your rate), you are actually asking the waitress the rate on the menu card or something like that?

4. Are the "Taaus"(uncles) still waiting for you in Hoshiyarpur (your native) angrily ,with bamboo sticks in hand, ranting "Ki matlab hai twada, kitna bhi chakho kuch fresh naiyyo milna, second hand hi milna" (What do you mean by, "taste how much ever you want, it would be stale or used")? Pun intended.

5. Hot girl - check, Ferrari- check, diamond studs - check, gold chain - check, Rupa's baniyaan - check....please tell me one thing, what is the function of those dark glasses even though its midnight and you are driving through the tunnel? Is this some weird fashion fad or your teeny weeny eyes you want to hide???

6.You showcase women smoking,drinking and doping among other things unabashedly, and of course drooling all over you in your videos. Are you promoting women empowerment or 'bad habbits'? Or is it the general perception you want to portray of a women ("Nashe di dukaan"), that we are immoral beings, only born to please you?

7. In your song "Brown Rang" from album International Villager, you rap "white chicks, no, I dont like them anymore". Is this a tirade against your ex British girlfriend who dumped you for a white guy? Smart girl I say!

8. Down south, people are indifferent to your music as they hardly understand your lyrics. They have one question though....Who the hell goes to a Disco wearing a "lungi"?

9. In your song,"We do party all night", you quote "----- me dum hai to band karwa do".
Wasn't your New Year's Eve concert banned in Gurgaon? Where were you doing party all night on NYE....ALONE??

Click Here

Accept it...being a MISOGYNIST is not cool. It makes you an International Villager for sure.

D-ARRANGED MARRIAGE

DISCLAIMER: This blog gives no guarantee of instilling  your faith into marriage. It might make you, want to deactivate your matrimonial profiles. The author is not to be blamed for defaming a person living or probably dead. The characters and role plays are completely non fictitious and bear strong resemblance to author's life.

Why do people opt for arranged marriage?? A failed past relationship, lack of interest in the dating game, parental pressure, no luck so far, a scratch card to a 'better post paid plan' or plain curiousness to unfold the mysteriousness of it all. Luck favors the Brave! (not necessarily in this scenario).

So, as most of my friends are busy, either posting their wedding pictures or doing post maternal shopping, I tend to gel more with the still confused singles lot. Most of them are sailing in the same boat, vagrant on the path of finding the true match through arranged means, till the biological clock is ticking and loud. Whatsoever, we never fall short of interesting banter around this topic.

Case I

Shankar is a tamilian by culture and punjabi by nature. He has always been in relationships with jaws dropping, drop dead gorgeous women. Unfortunately, none worked out in the long run and now, he has decided to find arranged love, even if its from the suburbs of Tamil Nadu. One fine day, I inquire how was the bride hunt going so far. He answers with utter dejection.

Shankar: "Whom do you think was the worst looking lady in the organization we worked in"?

Me: "Ummm....I guess Sheila (name changed as I wish to live some more). BTW, she resembled Tun tun in all aspects."

Shankar: "Well, Sheila looks better than the best proposal I have received till date. I just asked the girl once  on the first meeting, what are your likes and dislikes, and you know what she said?? "I dont like shorts". I even tried to placate her, that I am fine with whatever she is comfortable with. She replies curtly,
"Not for me, for YOU". 

Obviously, Shankar kick started his bike in no time and rode away to sanity.

(Dreamum, wakapum, crtical conditionum indeed!)

Case II

My friend Archana shared this episode, of the first meeting with a guy (Phoren return) near Forum Mall CCD.

Archana (On call): "We are waiting for you in CCD. Where are you?

Phoren Return: "I am driving my SCODA RAPID, I am near Forum".

Archana : "Okayyyy. You can park there and walk down across the road. Else, you might get stuck in traffic".

Phoren Return: "Well, its not a problem, my SCODA RAPID sails smoothly through traffic".

After an hour

Phoren Return: "Sorry babez, I am late! I am not used to this Indian traffic, you see! In the US, my BMW takes minutes to cut through and reach wherever I want".Holy cow! My Tag-Heuer is 5 mins late.  I forgot to polish my Jimmy Choo in hurry.....bla...bla...bla.."

Archana : "What are your expectations from this marriage?"

Phoren Return: "I dont want anything for myself. Its only for our future. A flat in Bangalore and 35 lakhs cash (FD is optional)".

Needless to say, he had to drive back in his SKODA RAPID with a big "NO".

The apt song playing is his car ..."Mera joota hai japani. ye patloon hai Armani..."

Case III 

Mr XYZ: "Looking at your FB profile, I thought you are an over smart kinda girl".

Me: Thankyou.....Errrr....EXCUSE ME!!!???!!? (Read: Bite Me!)

Mr XYZ: "I want the wedding to happen in Nov or Dec. Winters is a good time for couples"

Me: "What are you talking again??? We have just met a couple of minutes back. Dont you think, its too early to even judge if we are a good match?"

Mr XYZ: "Oh yeah, I just matched our kundalis online on my mobile app and it shows 20/36. We sure are! I guess you like traveling. What do you think about Thailand?"

Me: "Supposedly a good tourist spot. Why?"

Mr XYZ: "We can plan our honeymoon there."

Me: "Whattttttt!!"

Aghast. Stupefied. I ran for my life. Feel sorry for his Thailand debacle though.

Song?? I guess yoga help should be solicited for the honeymoon craver.

Irony of the situation is, no matter how tempting the shaadi ka laddoo is from outside, it always runs a chance of afflicting you with severe diabetes, lifelong at that.

Someday, I shall have this of my own. Marriage business is never going to run out of business. 

                                True that!

How convenient. My eyes have welled up witnessing such thoughtfulness...

The 10 Commandments redifined

Well, its Christmas eve and I am working in this Godly hour (not really). Just chanced upon to flip through the 10 Commandments of The Holy Bible, and my otherwise idle brain wisecracked.

The 10 commandments are a staple of Catholicism and have been around for thousands of years. And as we know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Here is an updated set of commandments for the new era (With all due respect):

1. Thou shalt not kill--unless you were brought onto the show Comedy Nights with Kapil.

2. Thou shalt not commit adultery--What is the opposite of adultery? Childery?? Maybe adultery isn’t so bad then.

3. Thou shalt not use the Lord’s name in vain–unless you are the victim of anger attack. Lack of swearing might make you less cooler.

4. Honor and obey your parents–unless they hack your facebook and whatsapp.

5. Thou shalt not steal - You can always beat someone up for their iphone, and hack their computer among other things.

6. Thou shalt not covet--thy neighbor’s wife–she is probably friends with your mom.

7. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me–except maybe Godzilla–He doesnt look like the God fearing type.

8. Thou shalt keep the sabbath holy–at least until 12pm when the liquor stores open

9. Thou shalt have no idols–except the Indian idol. They are anyways idle.

10.Thou shalt not bear false witness–only spread true gossip

Follow these simple rules and you will thank me in Heaven.

For those who are yet to discover the Ten Commanments,

Click here (Thou shalt do as I say): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ten_Commandments

English is a phunny language

Would you rather say the insufferably bland “He collided with my trunk” or the insanely awesome “He banged my dickey”?

Funnier lines that mark our Indianness: "I DO music". "Lets DO the dance"."Close the lights"."Cut the pencil". "Seriously funny". "Fully Empty". "Hairs are falling" and so and so on and so forth. The major credit goes to... "Please DO the needful". One fine day, it just slips out and the listener at the other end corrects us unabashedly. The feeling of having been wrong all our lives. How long have I been saying that? Who is he again, to correct me? 

I passed out from college, and I passed out in college too. I gave many classes a pass and passed many classes too.

Well, as quoted by Sri Amitabh Bachan: "English is a phunny language".It gets funnier as you traverse across different states of India. A "Zimbly Owesome " for "Simply Awesome" in Kerala. "Part" becomes "fart" in Karnataka. "You" is "Ewww" in Bihar. In Andhra, a "Biscuit" can be "Biscuitaaan". In Bengal, everything sounds like Roshogolla, like "Shobway" for "Subway". "Tart" for "Start" in Odisha. "Binness" for "Business" in Punjab.

Languages change over time. Healthy, living languages change a lot over time. They ebb and flow and morph and transmogrify. If we want to smirk at someone asking us for our “good name”, laugh at someone telling us sheepishly that “sleep is coming” and wallow in the pedantic preference for “years ago” over “years back”, we are just being insufferable douchebags. When William Blake rhymes “Aye” with “symmetry”, it’s acceptable because it’s um..William Blake and not some poor bloke with vernacular language medium education from a small town in India? How many conventions of grammar do you think Shakespeare broke when writing Hamlet? Or is poetic license not allowed for unlicensed poets?

Hence, if the English language has evolved to the likes of  STFU, WTF, WTH, PHAT, BFF, LOL, LMAO, ROFL, ROFLMAO, and many more from the Gen XYZ's social network dictionary, we can as well spare the mother tongue influenced diction.

On that note...TTYL..... XOXO  :)

Ouchhh....Its L.O.V.E

(Lost Over Vicious Endearings)

Whoever coined the phrase "Madly in Love" knew the literal meaning of it and the message got distorted down the line and lineage. 

The cliched mushiness beamed out of larger than life romantic flicks, the wholesale idea of Valentine's asinine Day and similar catastrophes are to be blamed for injecting the weak souls with the maladies of the likes of  over expectations, unconditional love, love over money, love over parents, love over duty, love over country, love over religion, love over wife, love over children, love over marriage....basically love over every damn thing under the sun (yeah, I digress quite often.).

When I find young kids nowadays brewing mushiness, manifested with hormones, and wallpapering their FB, professing their unfathomable love and posting happily caricatured faces, I develop a surge of urge to give a piece of my mind. (Catty!!! Yeah, blame it on my age...). Only if they knew what awaits them shortly....making them swear never to 'fall' for someone again.

Why do I say so?? I have seen so! (Friends with the bereaved, I cannot let out the names for the obvious and unobvious reasons) Its considered boorish to poke one's nose in someone else's matter....matter of factly, it can always be blogged away to glory/gory. 

Girl (Class 10th): "I can't live without you. Tell your parents about us." (Like the parents were dying for this news just when the board exam results were about to be released).

Boy (Same class): "I cannot believe my stars for finding a girl like you. Of course 1st thing today, I am going to pass on the message to my folks." (Well, ironically stars shine only at night.)

Both of them outperformed miserably in their boards, got house arrested for ashiqui, eloped to Delhi, worked in call centers and all hell broke lose when a lovechild was born. Already harried, parents were informed, placated, and convinced. Wed locked kids and the baby move back to Delhi to start a fresh new life. Life was picture perfect....at least till now!

The same stars misaligned. Boy comes home, finds her with someone else. Girl moves in with 'someone else'. Baby is deported to maternal grandparents in Middle East. Boy left with zilch. (You think its a tradegy....hold on to your horses).

Boy writes mails to the Indian Embassy, reporting the custom trespass and transgression headed by the girl's father (with proofs) and demands the girl and his baby back. Still begging on his knees, to her, for her, to return.

Girls calls: "My landlord is misbehaving with me. Can you please come and save me??" (crying and whining)

Boy at breakneck speed arrives at the misfortune spot. 

Burnt alive. Silence.

Love over life!

Bite Me!

Compliments and remarks need to function in a way, that renders a feel good factor to the receiver if not complete elation. However, few remarks come across like colloquial scissors, making you scream, "Bite Me!".

Some of the faux pas targeted at me, voluntarily/involuntarily (or maybe I misread(being completely adept at reading between the wrong lines))....

• "You don't look your age.".......What does that mean??? How exactly a 27 year old (umm...or almost 28) should look like? and I look older or younger? In the latter case I would have itched to reply "I take lessons from Cleopatra".

• "Not many women your age can flaunt a skirt".....Well, its a skirt, comfortable, airy, looks great and serves the purpose...unless I have legs that morph into snakeskin as I grew older.

•  "Don't worry, you will get married soon. Anyways, women can reproduce till 35"....Whatttttt!  That was supposed to be your prophecy or premonition??? Whatever it is, I so wish, I could sprout out my fangs and spew some venom. Its so common in varied forms though, that  the impact has transcended from appalled...to trauma...to wry smile (with the undercurrents of "You are surely not invited, to my wedding" whenever it happens in eternity).

• "People from your batch have reached great heights...you will too someday".....Well, thats an euphemism for "You are a loser". I have achieved something. I like to think so. And thanks for the salt that my wounds were hankering for!

• "You look good in pictures".....Its like tequila shot, gives you high for the moment and then downright squeamish. Okay, I agree a little editing doesn't hurt. But the Instagrams and Picassas of the world are so alluring....Blame them!

However, the last assault takes away the cake.

• "Looking at you Facebook profile, I thought you are an over smart kinda girl"........Just then the earth should have torn apart, and swallowed me off the human race. You know whats wrong in my FB profile? YOU are there in my friends list!

So, ladies and gentlemen, next time we run into each other and you pass any of the above comments, and accidentally your vehicle gets punctured, or my coffee spills on you (oops!), or you get stalked, don't blame it on Karma ;)