Darker the night, brighter the stars!

The path we tread is not always a bed of roses. Sometimes without our knowledge the destination changes. We were supposed to travel to a holiday destination, how did it end up in hell hole. Thats how life is just meant to be.

Roads will always be there. We need to find the right one to walk along. Changes in life are good, no matter how murky and judged you may feel. Changes are there for a reason. Its there because you made some errors, its there because you need to learn. Its there, so that you get a fresh start. We are not complacent out of our comfort zone. But what else would life be, if its not one hell of a roller coaster ride after all.

We often see pictures of happy faces and presume they have the most blessed life on earth. Its only before those pictures, there would  have been atrocious grief. Grief, which no one is supposed to know. No one leads their "perfect life". We need to make things perfect which exists. No one wronged you, because no one is bad person. People react as and how circumstances trigger them. That does not make someone less of a human.
So what if you are at the receiving end at times, there will be another day when you will beholding the gun.

A perfect Sunday is never perfect. A perfect marriage is never perfect. Perfect children are never perfect, so is never this perfect LIFE. But there are Sundays which are just beyond perfect when they were not meant to be. How did THAT happen? It happened because you deserved it. It happens because you will always be bestowed with gifts you did not ask for. Preserve that gift but don't obsess over it, because one day that gift will also not be perfect.

Elections in India 2014 - Comedy of Errrrr ors

As a kid, I never understood why the older generation was so much into politics. I always disregarded this topic as it bored me to death. Why was I supposed to bother who the damned person on earth is elected for whatsoever chair. And who the hell goes out to vote in the sun when you can sleep for the whole day on a paid leave.

Now I know why. It is a matured man's entertainment. A live opera for the working class. A power packed drama replete with comedy, action, revenge, dumdaar dialogues and everything that makes bollywood take a backseat for a while.

Like any hit masala flick, Indian election 2014, has all the ingredients grinded together, that serves hot till the release date. The destiny of our country designed by the caricatures, etched in the political mayhem.

1. Like every bollywood movie, there is a widowed "Maa" (Godmother). Only this time, she hails from Italy and claims to be more Indian than Bharat maata (Mother India) herself. She has been ruling India without ever becoming the Prime Minister of India...Well, It happens only in India!

2. Then there is the "Shehzaada" (prince), whose IQ could be lesser than the temperature of Delhi in peak winters. The Godmother reserves the place for Him to become the king by all means possible, but the 'shehzaada' blabbers out his fallacy to the nation. Ask him the solution to India's communal war...and he utters "Women empowerment" Tch..tch...tch!

3. There is no hero here, only 'superhero', who gets a whole clan butchered in communal war in his tenure as Chief Minister of Gujrat, gets a clean chit and proclaims to be the lone savior of Hinduism. His speech is tenacious and is permeated with words like Hindutva-Hindustan-Hindu-Shehzaade-Zeher-Corruption-Hindutva-Hindustaan-Hindu......and so on. A strong contender for the post of PM, has taken the nation by storm with his "Modified" campaigns.

4. There is a new launch who claims to be an Aam Admi (Mango Man) and gets slapped by an auto driver for reasons known to the whole nation. The dude slaps lawsuit and fines on anyone/everyone rich, wins the confidence of people, becomes the Cheif Minister of Delhi, makes lots of enemies, resigns from the post in 6 weeks and contests again for the post of Prime Minister....Heights of being ambitious I say! All that the AAP followers have to say now is.. "Kya Chu**** Banaya".

5. The "Didi", managed to kick the communist party, which had been ruling for 30 odd years in West Bengal, out of power. Ask her any controversial question and you might end up behind the bars on the grounds of being communist or maoist, depending on her mood that day.

6. The hyper media - The political ad campaigns have gone to all new levels inundating the social media with the likes of "Janta maaf nahi karegi" lamers doing the rounds on FM and TV and FB and Godforsaken Whatsapp too!

But Arnab Goswami takes away the cake, and also the pride of his guests.

The infamous news anchor has mastered the art of asking his guests nudging questions,chiding their replies with further accusations and then yelling at them for not answering the question he did not let them answer.

7.The Sothern Take - Down south the "Amma" (Jayalalitha), the current CM of Tamil Nadu, exhibits what women empowerment in it's true sense. Her majesty's greatness is so great that the likes of Obama and Putin bow down to her. When bored of dodging criminal cases, Karunanidhi and Amma are busy spewing venom at each other.

8. The Item Number - How can Indian Politics be untouched with an item number. This year guess who is contesting for the PM job? Rakhi Sawant it is. The plastic surgery fanatic has decided to take her attention seeking worm to the political level. Contesting as an individual candidate, she talks more about her khadi designer than national issues (only if she is aware of any). Is she stands a chance,of all we know, Chunkey Pandey might be our next PM

Amongst all this brouhaha, no matter how good, bad or ugly the melodrama looks like, do not forget that the "Right to Vote" is one of the greatest rights our country and our democracy has given us, that we should enforce with our wits.

Bollywood Bananas

PREAMBLE - We the people of India, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a Sovereign Socialist Secular Democratic Bollywood frenzy Republic. We make peace with our foes through our cinema. We have more Khans in Bollywood than in Pakistan. We are harmless - Hence Proved. 

The Indian Cinema is the ultimate gospel for us cinephiles. We have started believing the unbelievable. We do not question our heroes, when he battles 100 goons (all double his size) and manages to get away with few droplets of blood streaming down is nose or lips. P.S. - No first aid is as curative as the bandage of the torn pallu of his heroine.

We do not question the illegible censor board certificate with it's miniscule writing, which for some reason, the audience tries to decode as if it was Anil Ambani's will presented on 360mm wide screen, which the audience gets to divide among themselves. The only characters visible and worth reading are V/A or V/UA (this would provoke few people to leave the theater swearing under their breath).

We do not question the flamboyancy of our Bollywood movies, where everything is Queen size. Be it their bed, house, location, family (that of Alok Nath's) or even their motorbikes (Please watch Dhoom 3 if you have suicidal tendencies, and make the suicide happen). An impromptu dance number is always welcome, be it a wedding or a funeral. If it's a foreign location, the itch to dance multiplies manifold. It does not matter if its a busy public spot. For others it might be crazy, but for us, it is the spread of Indian culture.

The unquestionable part of the Bollywood movie is that it is twice or even thrice the length of a Hollywood movie, with 1/3rd of its content. The interval serves a good reason to crib about the movie and consume double the popcorn in anticipation of how bad the other half could be.

We do not question our Heroes, when He defies the laws of Physics, like that of gravity, relativity, motion, inertia....etc(Rohit Shetty being the new Newton). Our heroes only abides by His INLAWs. They even outshine the superheroes. No matter how many bullets have pierced His body, He does not die before completing His dialogue. He is either ultra rich or ultra poor. The heroines are the delicate darlings who, besides staring at the mirror and murmuring to themselves, perpetually admiring at their beauty, also run around the bushes and promote Go Green.Contrary to the popular belief, it is always the vamp lady who reunites the family after a change of heart. Bloody! :P

The villians are the most disciplined ones. They are quite cooperative and choose to come only one by one to confront the hero, while the others form a circle and patiently wait for their turn to get beaten to pulp. As soon as they get beaten, with the mandatory dhishum dhishum as the background score, each one falls down on some extreme corner and lies there wriggling in pain.

Horror movies are equally eccentric. Mostly, people come out of theaters laughing, as it turns into unintentional comedy movie. It gets tough to decipher what was more ghastly, the funny makeup of the ghost, the shrill background music deafening the audience, the kinky heroine or the old skinny doorman steadily upholding the lantern for decades. For some reason the old housekeeper remains unattacked in the haunted house. 
For example, Vikram Bhatt's Haunted (not to forget -3D) where he uses the formulaic horror tropes - mist, screeching doors, books that fall by themselves and blaring background music that insists that you be scared. To top it all there is a ghost rape too....

Howbeit, our movies have garnered true-blue fan base overseas for unknown reasons. Maybe it is....

1)  Audiences feel that it is their moral responsibility to watch Abhishek Bachhan and Uday Chopra's movies as a mark of respect to their dads.

2) They have not seen any of Tusshar Kapoor's movies yet. Otherwise, the global boycott of Indian cinema was inevitable.

3) They are still wondering, why is Yo yo Honey Singh paid more than the hero, when he is not even there in the film and why does he attempt to rap like Eminem.

4) Katrina Kaif is getting hotter than global warming.

5) They want to crack the mystery, how can Raknikant be born before his father.

6) They want to know who is this guy Karan Johar, whose movies have the "senti" quotient to the par of lunacy.

7) Salman Khan's wriggle and jiggle has been misconstrued as a different kind of dance form altogether to beat constipation.

Shah Rukh and Salman reunite....whatever that means

LOL :D

P.S:  This monograph is subject to market risks. Viewer's discretion is required before spending on PVR tickets. Get a Wi Fi for God's sake!

The Good Indian Girl

No sooner is a girl child born in India, the whole melodrama of molding her into "the good Indian girl" kick starts with great tenacity. Somehow, a furrow, a wrinkle or a crooked smile escapes on the faces of the family members when the nurse divulges, "Its a GIRL!!". She might as well say, "Brace yourselves".

Metro cities have mostly been liberal towards girls to some extent. The scenario in small towns though, is way too funny.

So here are the good Indian girl traits she is supposed to imbibe in all forms possible.

1. She has NO boyfriends. It does not matter if she is a tom boy by nature. She is supposed to be comfortable only with girls.

2. She is supposed to excel in studies. An average student is a disgrace to the family (Okay, mostly), even though she is intended to be married off to deliver the role of an apropos housewife. Anything below 80% means, "she is just a girl after all".

3. She excels in "Paak Shaastra" (cooking). It does not matter if she holds a revered position in her work place and has other virtues which share the bread and butter for the family. Its as good as being a pseudo-girl if cooking is something she detests.

4. She does not follow fashion with utmost enthusiasm. It would mean, she is just somebody too frivolous with least respect for Indian culture. Like wearing a mini skirt would make you 20% Indian and a salwar kameez dupatta would grant a 100% guarantee certificate.

5. She has sane friends and enjoys sane music. Anything like hard rock would evoke comments like "hath se nikal gyi hai ye ladki".

6. She is not supposed to voice her opinion unabashedly. It would mean she is too bold and outspoken, or rather the kind of vamps broadcasted on daily soaps. Silence is considered to be the biggest virtue of the good Indian girl.

7. She does not party. It would mean she smokes and drinks. That would mean she has no morals. That would mean she cannot be a good wife or a good mother. Not that I am promoting smoking or drinking, but character certificate is surely not up to snuff.

8. She follows fasting atleast once a week and partakes in religious rites. A person can be an atheist by nature or may not be staunch religious. It is a personal choice. But in our Indian society, you may not believe in it, but you have got to fake it with utmost devotion.

9. How did I miss...the most venerable virtue is VIRGINITY. It can defy all other virtues. Since she cannot be vocal about it, her histrionic skills come to play or foreplay. If you have lost it, how clever can you be to hide it. Your life depends on it. If you do not get caught, you are a goddess, and if you are dumb enough to get caught, you are more than just impure. Oh yes, and the last resort is that cycle ride if nothing works out.

Well, irony of the situation is women do not understand women. We would be the first ones to raise fingers and demean other women at the drop of a hat. Sometimes knowingly and at times unknowingly. Then,why do we expect our men to shower rose petals on our way, when we would find ways to pelt stones at each other.

Dope-shope and Misogyny

DISCLAIMER - Yo yo fans may close this window right away! This blog is an expression of an unproductive, free and violent mind and the protagonist has been targeted to let off some steam, in the wider interest of 'womankind'.Reader's discretion is not required at all. You can judge me as feminist, racist, sexist, mentalist, terrorist and all those scary words ending with 'ist'. I really don't give a rat's ass!

'Hirdesh Singh' aka 'Yo yo Honey Singh' seems to have actually climbed up the ladder of stardom at the cost of the integrity of women. This era has witnessed the heights of self obsession. It went as far as, prefixing one's name with "Yo Yo". We understand that you have studied music from UK, but all that you learnt was "Yo yo"? Really??? 

The debut album released was nothing but a D grade adult movie streaming audio. I take a bow to the women who have mustered the courage to listen to the whole song.He was slammed with court charges for using vulgar and abusive language against women and Yo yo instantly denied having sung that song in the first place and later apologized to the masses (After having made millions already).

Followed by mixed reactions, eventually the whole brouhaha fizzed out. 

I have few questions for yo yo...

1. What is more assaulting to women in your opinion? Rape or your rap? Or both are equally fun for you.....If at all you care.

2. When you goto a restaurant, what do you order? 'A piece of meat' or 'women'? (Considering both are synonymous in your context).

3. Lately you have addressed the media stating that you are making a different kind of honey. As in, singing 'clean' songs. So can we presume that the bikini clad women in your album are your sisters, and when you rap "Saanu das de ki hai rate" (tell me what is your rate), you are actually asking the waitress the rate on the menu card or something like that?

4. Are the "Taaus"(uncles) still waiting for you in Hoshiyarpur (your native) angrily ,with bamboo sticks in hand, ranting "Ki matlab hai twada, kitna bhi chakho kuch fresh naiyyo milna, second hand hi milna" (What do you mean by, "taste how much ever you want, it would be stale or used")? Pun intended.

5. Hot girl - check, Ferrari- check, diamond studs - check, gold chain - check, Rupa's baniyaan - check....please tell me one thing, what is the function of those dark glasses even though its midnight and you are driving through the tunnel? Is this some weird fashion fad or your teeny weeny eyes you want to hide???

6.You showcase women smoking,drinking and doping among other things unabashedly, and of course drooling all over you in your videos. Are you promoting women empowerment or 'bad habbits'? Or is it the general perception you want to portray of a women ("Nashe di dukaan"), that we are immoral beings, only born to please you?

7. In your song "Brown Rang" from album International Villager, you rap "white chicks, no, I dont like them anymore". Is this a tirade against your ex British girlfriend who dumped you for a white guy? Smart girl I say!

8. Down south, people are indifferent to your music as they hardly understand your lyrics. They have one question though....Who the hell goes to a Disco wearing a "lungi"?

9. In your song,"We do party all night", you quote "----- me dum hai to band karwa do".
Wasn't your New Year's Eve concert banned in Gurgaon? Where were you doing party all night on NYE....ALONE??

Click Here

Accept it...being a MISOGYNIST is not cool. It makes you an International Villager for sure.

The 10 Commandments redifined

Well, its Christmas eve and I am working in this Godly hour (not really). Just chanced upon to flip through the 10 Commandments of The Holy Bible, and my otherwise idle brain wisecracked.

The 10 commandments are a staple of Catholicism and have been around for thousands of years. And as we know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Here is an updated set of commandments for the new era (With all due respect):

1. Thou shalt not kill--unless you were brought onto the show Comedy Nights with Kapil.

2. Thou shalt not commit adultery--What is the opposite of adultery? Childery?? Maybe adultery isn’t so bad then.

3. Thou shalt not use the Lord’s name in vain–unless you are the victim of anger attack. Lack of swearing might make you less cooler.

4. Honor and obey your parents–unless they hack your facebook and whatsapp.

5. Thou shalt not steal - You can always beat someone up for their iphone, and hack their computer among other things.

6. Thou shalt not covet--thy neighbor’s wife–she is probably friends with your mom.

7. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me–except maybe Godzilla–He doesnt look like the God fearing type.

8. Thou shalt keep the sabbath holy–at least until 12pm when the liquor stores open

9. Thou shalt have no idols–except the Indian idol. They are anyways idle.

10.Thou shalt not bear false witness–only spread true gossip

Follow these simple rules and you will thank me in Heaven.

For those who are yet to discover the Ten Commanments,

Click here (Thou shalt do as I say): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ten_Commandments