Songs of the Hobgoblin souls

 Life is a bunch of fridge magnets.

We collect over time

Different shapes and colours in core memories.

Deleting the ones on the way,

Which rendered pain more than rain.

We chase abundance 

When True abundance is witnessing the chase.

To see yourself fall and rise 

Like a wave beneath those eyes.

Those lavender strands that lit up the eyes

In glorious purple haze.

Those were the days, Those were the days.

Days that took me by the storm, swept me off my feet.

Also the ones that are reaching me on rays.

The song in fridge magnets,

The parable of the one

Which dares to seek

Which seeks to dare.

Life in a nut and shell...: The Love Song

Life in a nut and shell...: The Love Song: The Love is just a memory, Of the faint breeze here and a strong wind there. The Love has matured. Like the age of the wine, still bitt...

The Love Song

The Love is just a memory,
Of the faint breeze here and a strong wind there.

The Love has matured.
Like the age of the wine, still bitter but fine.

The Love has changed its colour.
Like the foliage of the autumn and the soil of the ocean.

The Lover hitherto, breathes.
Like a flower on the cactus, withering and yet anxious.

The Love reminds of glory.
Like the tiara atop the queens, more settled than it gleams.

The Love plays in a song.
From the dead passing on.

The Love, like a cinnamon.
Sweet is it's smell.

For those who conquer it, call it "mine".
The ones who conjure it up, make a rhyme.

5 Relavant Words - Coronavirus Pandemic

Remember that wish of sitting idle and killing time. Well, that just got granted and it ain't too good to be true, I agree. Maybe make the best use of this quarantine while it lasts. No fun intended. Straight epic boredom.

1. Détente -

a relaxing of tension, especially between nations, as by negotiations or agreements. Sentence : There is hope that the U.S. and China will at least reach some sort of detente on trade. 2. Stir-Crazy - restless or frantic because of confinement, routine, etc. Sentence : By now, let’s hope you’re safely ensconced at home—going a little stir-crazy, perhaps, but doing your part to “flatten the curve.” 3. Hobgoblin - something causing superstitious fear; a bogy. Sentence : The Corona virus pandemic is very real. Not just the hobgoblin of religious philosophers. 4. Caprice - a sudden, unpredictable change, as of one's mind or the weather. Sentence : This is a caprice—and it would be the most vulnerable thing to walk around the streets right now. 5. Flinty - unyielding; unmerciful; obdurate Sentence : The flinty Coronavirus pandemic is proving to be unapologetically fatal to aged.

The Unreal Times of COVID-19

Our generation hardly believed in valentine. Let alone, Quarantine. This generation has grown up using landline phones restricted mostly to STD calls. Musically, was changing the sides of the audio cassettes from A to B and vice versa. Spotify corresponded to All India Radio where one had to request for a song to be played on air by practically writing letters. Foreign was as foreign as it gets. In the absence of travel bloggers/vloggers, we got the glimpse of the other side of the world via Bollywood movies, mostly featuring Govinda.

We scaled up, all that, and came so far. Information is no longer restricted to public libraries. Any city in the world can now be explored by accessing few Apps. Travel is cheap. Internet is cheap. Imported goods are affordable too. World has finally become the melting pot. The pot that has endured way too much with the advent of insensitive materialism. The voices inside have been hushed by the noise of social media. Was it too late, that we missed the red flags.

COVID-19 was already knocking at our doors before we could even totally comprehend its origin and existence. It already spread like a wild fire and continued to engulf the whole world with its fatality. This shit IS real. It is so real that it felt absolutely unreal. Within a stretch of few days, the malls shut, schools shut, corporate offices shut, eateries shut. This was copy all over the world. With no vaccine in store, numbers of infected people and death rates kept shooting up like an uncontained morbid Tsunami.

The times had changed. Countries have imposed lock down with only essential supplies available for survival, and of course the TV and the internet. News flashing the empty streets which are no longer familiar with the world we earlier lived in. The deafening chaos and humdrum has now been catapulted into a jittery silence.

The Unhappiness after Happiness

Open your social media and witness the smiling happy faces. Their exotic travel, their luxurious homes, their deep bonded friendships, their chic clothing, their happy meal, their weight loss success , their lavish wedding, their ostentatious degrees, their new role at work and the list goes on and on like the vast unending ocean which never ceases to hit the shore.

Retailers are cashing in this trend too by creating "Instagrammable" spots in their watery holes. Paid partnerships with brands is running all time high with users with over a million followers. The end users may not be talking but their phones are. Will there be a time when our phones will be sending updates to our health insurers to spike the premium pertaining to our lifestyle ;) Just thinking.


So what? Did it incite a tad bit of jealousy in you? Did it molest your self confidence somewhere? Did it curb your motivation for the day? Did you subconsciously find your new competitor who has got nothing to do with your life choices? Did that make you hollow in some dark corner of your heart?
If it did, Congratulations! you are still a human who just allowed a smartphone outsmart yourself.


But here is the thing, the smartphone on your palm is not a miracle of God, but YOU! No damn thing on this planet has withstood the test of time congruent to yours. The smiling faces on your Fbook page do not tell you the full story. They just do a Cover Story. The incessant feeds might have fed in your productive time as well, but who is complaining. We are all the victims of the same epidemic.


Every "Like" on social media is a shot of Dopamine and then it reaches its brim when you get addicted to this Dope. Not very different that alcohol. Been there, done that. Trying to sleep with eyes wide open subjected to the penetrating LCD till it falls flat on my face. Ab to so jao.


It is okay to feel that your life is unfulfilled, but it is not okay for your phone to make make you believe in that. We can work towards the chipped grey areas of our lives for sure, but only with thoughts of love, joy, gratitude and rejoice. These thoughts remain the focal points to loving yourself. Creation of your future can only happen if the present is fertile with positivity

On that note, wishing you all a Merry Christmas. May the furlough be with you!

How to love your fat

No seriously, that was not a statement but a question. HOW to love your body fat?

This is probably the aeon when womanhood is graceful only when its skinny and skinny is not just skin deep. Its the jawline, the double chin, the forearms, the love handles, the thigh gap, the calf muscles, the pot belly, the basketball-cut-into-halves butt and what not. What a benevolence it would be if your body parts came with extra fittings. Replace them with the best available size on sale.

Its a complete gag show when the ladies are suddenly cognizant of their weight. Like when they thank the heavens that loose fit is back in fashion and how that jacket would camouflage the unwelcomed bulges. How straight hair slims their face contour and how the not-so-classy high waist jeans actually has a utility purpose. The stripes ought to be vertical coz horizontal stripes makes you look like lady bumble bee. Yes, even 50 shades of grey was color coded for slimming purposes in the first place.

My personal favorite are women (like myself) who like the abstraction of a diet plan. The moment they sniff a Biryani, there comes the gyaan  "Khao yaar, yahi asli sukh hai" or "Ek din khaane se kuch nhi hoga" or "Gym to jaana hi hai kal se".

Funda-mentally, its not our fault. Its the stupid movies. Never has the aam janta witnessed ever where the hero falls for a fat chick. Those are the ones who conjure up nefarious plots to split the couple to win the guy over or the ones who end up being our hero's best friend. Bhumi Pednekar was probably the saving grace, the last hope when she won over Ayushman khurrana solely with her inner beauty. Then it was a slap on the inner beauty, when she featured on the cover of Vogue magazine, half her size, enunciating, "Learn the journey of Bhumi's transformation and rediscovering herself". Bhencho!

Its even more stirring that we have a defense for that too..."Unhe to paise milte hain patle hone ke liye". I mean in a way that's true, but then why are the fashion mongers so unfair. The one dress which skipped your heart a beat, that one dress which would have made you look rich, that one dress which would have changed your relationship status, bloody doesn't fit the way it did on the mannequin. It now shrieks to be freed in the trial room when you call for help in the half worn/half torn dress empathizing  with Sarabjit all caged up in Pakistan.

To top it all restaurants now days have joined the dementia to fish the "figure conscious food connoisseurs". Fat free gajar ka halwa with diced carrot sprinkled with sugar free, cooked in low cal dairy with your choice of nuts. What? was the poor cow fasting for my damn halwa??

No matter what your mirror tells you, remember a perfect body is a delusion. **Conditions Applied**

**Does not apply to those who have the money for liposuction and implants.

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Separated we stand, united we fall,
Love was a song and life was a ball.

I was never perfect, neither were you,
And one day we said, Fuck You!

Why then does it matter now,
You moved on and I lived somehow.

Tell me your fears and I will tell you mine,
Who gives a shit, neither your Dad nor mine.

Calories have burnt when I dint try,
I read your text and my brain cells fry.

Tags were removed and pictures deleted,
Only if the time lost could be repleted.

Ex is now what we call,
Stupid and insane in overhaul.

Into The Wild

Darker the night, brighter the stars!

The path we tread is not always a bed of roses. Sometimes without our knowledge the destination changes. We were supposed to travel to a holiday destination, how did it end up in hell hole. Thats how life is just meant to be.

Roads will always be there. We need to find the right one to walk along. Changes in life are good, no matter how murky and judged you may feel. Changes are there for a reason. Its there because you made some errors, its there because you need to learn. Its there, so that you get a fresh start. We are not complacent out of our comfort zone. But what else would life be, if its not one hell of a roller coaster ride after all.

We often see pictures of happy faces and presume they have the most blessed life on earth. Its only before those pictures, there would  have been atrocious grief. Grief, which no one is supposed to know. No one leads their "perfect life". We need to make things perfect which exists. No one wronged you, because no one is bad person. People react as and how circumstances trigger them. That does not make someone less of a human.
So what if you are at the receiving end at times, there will be another day when you will beholding the gun.

A perfect Sunday is never perfect. A perfect marriage is never perfect. Perfect children are never perfect, so is never this perfect LIFE. But there are Sundays which are just beyond perfect when they were not meant to be. How did THAT happen? It happened because you deserved it. It happens because you will always be bestowed with gifts you did not ask for. Preserve that gift but don't obsess over it, because one day that gift will also not be perfect.

Rhyme worth a dime.

The hair which looked fragile,
Has been fathomed to shine.

The shades of time,
The wrath and grime.
Shrouded well, the crevices and fine lines.

Took on the heat and wheezed still,
Fluttered and seduced, but decayed still.

Salted and peppered,
Straightened and tampered.
Flinched to be touched to be felt withered.

Danced  in revelry and sweated in sultry.
Bounce they said, fatigued it heaved.

Washed to the roots, matched with the boots.
Tied in a knot, acquitted at last.

Set wild to grow and cropped to show.
Got drenched in rain and trickled in vain.

Kept growing till the last breath,
Was it in genes, or was it just the dead cells.

Caressed in love and torn in trial.
It broke a little with every consequence dire.

Whats in the mirror that made you turn.
Which made your day, and to never return.

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Eternal Musings Of a Loquacious Mind

Yes, its up, close and personal now. Lately, my mind talks a lot to me. Most of it does not make sense (talk about the irony), but at times it does. It's like a disjointed entity that shoves it's logic upon me. It gives me signs, warns me, eludes me, makes me laugh and most of the time I shout at it, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Well, it won't, has a mind of it's own you see.

I have always talked about all the fun stuff in my blogs. But what about pain and disappointment. After all a major chunk of this generation faces it more often than their annual appraisals. How many times have you had a FULL day without one negative influence trying to pull your spirit down. Yeah, you grumpy faces, I am talking about you.

Life surprises us in more ways than Sallu Bhai's movies. At times you are in absolute awe of it and other times you wish you had a loaded gun after the movie was over. However, every movie leaves you with a nice jingle. Likewise, is LIFE.

I have had my share of uncalled for rendezvous with life. I have witnessed death, disease, bad job, heartbreak and what not. Things which we always shield ourselves from. No matter how shielded you are, things find a way of encroaching your horizons like an unguarded missile. You wish it was a bad dream. You wish it's all a hoax. You wish it never happened. But wish my friend is not reality. You suffer in pain. Your mind enslaves you with all possible cynicism. No matter how much you try, you are unable to snap out of this loop. But one day the suffering ends and surprises you how you got over it. You feel empowered and you know you have scaled up one notch higher. And you are all guns blazing once you have made truce with your biggest fears.

I recall an instance when a friend of mine was going through a cataclysmic chapter. Her long term relationship came to an abrupt end. She felt cheated, vulnerable, wrecked and junked. Trust me, her anguish lasted for not more than 3 days. When I questioned her about this secret super power, you would be surprised what did the trick. She used to rant about this guy being like a snake. He hardly ever fought with her, never abused, never used violence, but one fine day out of nowhere he decided to call it quits. He was just bored and not into her anymore. For 3 days at a stretch she whined and howled and wished he would come back and things would be fine. He DID NOT. Then one day she started analyzing the situation, what went wrong. She just couldn't sink it in. Then she started picturing him like a snake. A calm quiet snake, which makes no noise, creates no havoc, has innocent eyes and out of nowhere takes its fangs out and bites the one close to him. That person is poisoned and scarred to life, and the snake wriggles out into its hideout. It was like a wake up call. A snake is a snake and can never be a pet. Now, every time she thought of him she imagined a snake instead of his face. His thoughts only makes her laugh now. Magic does exist :)

The problem only exists in our mind. If we have had our share of joy, we have to have our share of sorrow. This cycle is inevitable. The adversities will someday break your back. You might not have the endurance to walk. Start crawling. You might hurt your knees or scrape your elbows, but the idea is to keep moving. One day you will reach your haven and no sooner you will be running at a jet speed, UNSTOPPABLE.

Dear heart, take heart.
Coz' I am not done yet!

The more you break, the more you beat.
The more you beat, the more I am alive.

You do hurt at times. You also shower selfless love.
You shrink in a corner and then you jump with joy.

O' Heart, take heart.
There will be more blood to pump.

If you beat for me, why should something beat me.
You have not been wrong. It was mind that played the games.

x-x-x

The Bucket List

Last year had been a complete freak show. Well, don't we reiterate that every year. I am yet to come to terms with the fact that 2014 has ended....well almost. Time to prepare by bucket list for 2015 already! Blaady......what about 2014 list. Ignorance is bliss my friend.

Its not that I did not gain anything this year. I did gain few things, like extra pounds (not the currency), grey hair (!@#$), Few more friends on Facebook, who are probably blocked by now, over-time pay at work and, 400 levels in Candy Crush.

Anyways, this time, I really do want to introspect and prepare a bucket list for myself. Sorry, it does not include the 'Ice Bucket Challenge'.
As procrastination is my middle name, the list might serve for 2016 as well. Does not really matter actually, until there is a list in black and white.

#1 Topnotch priority is, visit to the Spiti Valley and Kufri in Himachal Pradesh, along with munching on fresh      apples straight from the grooves in Manali.

#2 Sale or no sale, have money, will buy that Guess handbag.

#3 Will write atleast a blog a month.

#4 Snorkeling in the Andamans.

#5 Abs like Deepika. Okay, we might omit this one.

#6 Will read a book every month.

#7 Personal Website.

#8 Work for a different firm.

#9 Buy my own car

#10 Goa to banta hai ek baar!

*Conditions Apply

*The above list is editable at author's whim and fancy. The author is not responsible if the leaves don't get approved and inflation scores another level.

No,Seriously!

#F-BookChronicles

Now, blogging this article, I feel like I am experiencing 'Chutzpah', for being a social media addict myself. For those, who did not get it, do watch HAIDER.

Mankind has reached the stage of Nirvana.We have started looking at the inner beauty of things. Clicking pics of insects with ultra zoom lenses has become socially acceptable. Every DSLR owner worth its salt must post pictures of insects/flowers/rain drops/cow shit with #NaturePhotography. Ever wondered what if there was a button next to "like" such as "Boooo". There I go again....'Chutzpah' moment.

Checking In....

Most checked in place on earth are airports. Specially when someone is flying abroad. As if there was any other mode of transport. Every Indian worth its salt  need to abide by the unsaid rule of checking into the International Airport even if he is flying to Ladakh. 

Gone are the days when clicking pics in Starbucks, abroad to show off to fellow Indians back home, was a moment of national pride. The big brands have eventually made their way into Mother India. Indianization of such food chains have satisfied aunties and uncles alike with their local variants. For instance, McAlooTikki (or, as McDonalds describes it, a mouth watering fried potato patty infused with Indian spices so scarce that the British could rule another 100 years to find them, had they not lost to Aamir's team in Lagaan)

Ever since FB came into being, our ladies have rediscovered the purpose of their being, ofcourse after the Sasuraal Simar Ka... troll. That is, posting pictures of dishes captioned such as, "Tried lauki daal with extra dhaniya....my surprise to hubby <3" while on the other side dear hubby caught posting "Work work work....hate to stay at office on a weekend". 

Our new age mommies don't crib often nowadays, as posting cute baby pics is their new found passion, coz preparing baby food and babysitting without instagramming is just too mainstream. #CutebabyEatsTheCameraAsMommyIsBusyPhotoshopping.

Festivals in India have evolved over the years too. Now people not posting happy pictures in their ethnic avatar might be hashtagged into #SocialOutcasts. Now people do gather for a  #HappyfamilyMoment.

Our Indian diaspora has now acquired a new obsession of jugaad, ie it is now much more easier to beg for jobs and recommendations. We have LinkedIn.  Now one can shamelessly publish their resume on the profile and add people as "recommendations". Now asking for job opportunities from complete strangers is counted as professional etiquette. Not to forget, it also serves as a reality check for the Shaadi.com mongers.

I can go on and on, but I do not wish my effigies to be burnt on the streets with #Moron #Jobless #MissuseOfFreedomOfSpeech. And, in case you wish to curse me cumulatively, I had declared Chutzpah moment as a disclaimer ;)

Elections in India 2014 - Comedy of Errrrr ors

As a kid, I never understood why the older generation was so much into politics. I always disregarded this topic as it bored me to death. Why was I supposed to bother who the damned person on earth is elected for whatsoever chair. And who the hell goes out to vote in the sun when you can sleep for the whole day on a paid leave.

Now I know why. It is a matured man's entertainment. A live opera for the working class. A power packed drama replete with comedy, action, revenge, dumdaar dialogues and everything that makes bollywood take a backseat for a while.

Like any hit masala flick, Indian election 2014, has all the ingredients grinded together, that serves hot till the release date. The destiny of our country designed by the caricatures, etched in the political mayhem.

1. Like every bollywood movie, there is a widowed "Maa" (Godmother). Only this time, she hails from Italy and claims to be more Indian than Bharat maata (Mother India) herself. She has been ruling India without ever becoming the Prime Minister of India...Well, It happens only in India!

2. Then there is the "Shehzaada" (prince), whose IQ could be lesser than the temperature of Delhi in peak winters. The Godmother reserves the place for Him to become the king by all means possible, but the 'shehzaada' blabbers out his fallacy to the nation. Ask him the solution to India's communal war...and he utters "Women empowerment" Tch..tch...tch!

3. There is no hero here, only 'superhero', who gets a whole clan butchered in communal war in his tenure as Chief Minister of Gujrat, gets a clean chit and proclaims to be the lone savior of Hinduism. His speech is tenacious and is permeated with words like Hindutva-Hindustan-Hindu-Shehzaade-Zeher-Corruption-Hindutva-Hindustaan-Hindu......and so on. A strong contender for the post of PM, has taken the nation by storm with his "Modified" campaigns.

4. There is a new launch who claims to be an Aam Admi (Mango Man) and gets slapped by an auto driver for reasons known to the whole nation. The dude slaps lawsuit and fines on anyone/everyone rich, wins the confidence of people, becomes the Cheif Minister of Delhi, makes lots of enemies, resigns from the post in 6 weeks and contests again for the post of Prime Minister....Heights of being ambitious I say! All that the AAP followers have to say now is.. "Kya Chu**** Banaya".

5. The "Didi", managed to kick the communist party, which had been ruling for 30 odd years in West Bengal, out of power. Ask her any controversial question and you might end up behind the bars on the grounds of being communist or maoist, depending on her mood that day.

6. The hyper media - The political ad campaigns have gone to all new levels inundating the social media with the likes of "Janta maaf nahi karegi" lamers doing the rounds on FM and TV and FB and Godforsaken Whatsapp too!

But Arnab Goswami takes away the cake, and also the pride of his guests.

The infamous news anchor has mastered the art of asking his guests nudging questions,chiding their replies with further accusations and then yelling at them for not answering the question he did not let them answer.

7.The Sothern Take - Down south the "Amma" (Jayalalitha), the current CM of Tamil Nadu, exhibits what women empowerment in it's true sense. Her majesty's greatness is so great that the likes of Obama and Putin bow down to her. When bored of dodging criminal cases, Karunanidhi and Amma are busy spewing venom at each other.

8. The Item Number - How can Indian Politics be untouched with an item number. This year guess who is contesting for the PM job? Rakhi Sawant it is. The plastic surgery fanatic has decided to take her attention seeking worm to the political level. Contesting as an individual candidate, she talks more about her khadi designer than national issues (only if she is aware of any). Is she stands a chance,of all we know, Chunkey Pandey might be our next PM

Amongst all this brouhaha, no matter how good, bad or ugly the melodrama looks like, do not forget that the "Right to Vote" is one of the greatest rights our country and our democracy has given us, that we should enforce with our wits.

Bollywood Bananas

PREAMBLE - We the people of India, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a Sovereign Socialist Secular Democratic Bollywood frenzy Republic. We make peace with our foes through our cinema. We have more Khans in Bollywood than in Pakistan. We are harmless - Hence Proved. 

The Indian Cinema is the ultimate gospel for us cinephiles. We have started believing the unbelievable. We do not question our heroes, when he battles 100 goons (all double his size) and manages to get away with few droplets of blood streaming down is nose or lips. P.S. - No first aid is as curative as the bandage of the torn pallu of his heroine.

We do not question the illegible censor board certificate with it's miniscule writing, which for some reason, the audience tries to decode as if it was Anil Ambani's will presented on 360mm wide screen, which the audience gets to divide among themselves. The only characters visible and worth reading are V/A or V/UA (this would provoke few people to leave the theater swearing under their breath).

We do not question the flamboyancy of our Bollywood movies, where everything is Queen size. Be it their bed, house, location, family (that of Alok Nath's) or even their motorbikes (Please watch Dhoom 3 if you have suicidal tendencies, and make the suicide happen). An impromptu dance number is always welcome, be it a wedding or a funeral. If it's a foreign location, the itch to dance multiplies manifold. It does not matter if its a busy public spot. For others it might be crazy, but for us, it is the spread of Indian culture.

The unquestionable part of the Bollywood movie is that it is twice or even thrice the length of a Hollywood movie, with 1/3rd of its content. The interval serves a good reason to crib about the movie and consume double the popcorn in anticipation of how bad the other half could be.

We do not question our Heroes, when He defies the laws of Physics, like that of gravity, relativity, motion, inertia....etc(Rohit Shetty being the new Newton). Our heroes only abides by His INLAWs. They even outshine the superheroes. No matter how many bullets have pierced His body, He does not die before completing His dialogue. He is either ultra rich or ultra poor. The heroines are the delicate darlings who, besides staring at the mirror and murmuring to themselves, perpetually admiring at their beauty, also run around the bushes and promote Go Green.Contrary to the popular belief, it is always the vamp lady who reunites the family after a change of heart. Bloody! :P

The villians are the most disciplined ones. They are quite cooperative and choose to come only one by one to confront the hero, while the others form a circle and patiently wait for their turn to get beaten to pulp. As soon as they get beaten, with the mandatory dhishum dhishum as the background score, each one falls down on some extreme corner and lies there wriggling in pain.

Horror movies are equally eccentric. Mostly, people come out of theaters laughing, as it turns into unintentional comedy movie. It gets tough to decipher what was more ghastly, the funny makeup of the ghost, the shrill background music deafening the audience, the kinky heroine or the old skinny doorman steadily upholding the lantern for decades. For some reason the old housekeeper remains unattacked in the haunted house. 
For example, Vikram Bhatt's Haunted (not to forget -3D) where he uses the formulaic horror tropes - mist, screeching doors, books that fall by themselves and blaring background music that insists that you be scared. To top it all there is a ghost rape too....

Howbeit, our movies have garnered true-blue fan base overseas for unknown reasons. Maybe it is....

1)  Audiences feel that it is their moral responsibility to watch Abhishek Bachhan and Uday Chopra's movies as a mark of respect to their dads.

2) They have not seen any of Tusshar Kapoor's movies yet. Otherwise, the global boycott of Indian cinema was inevitable.

3) They are still wondering, why is Yo yo Honey Singh paid more than the hero, when he is not even there in the film and why does he attempt to rap like Eminem.

4) Katrina Kaif is getting hotter than global warming.

5) They want to crack the mystery, how can Raknikant be born before his father.

6) They want to know who is this guy Karan Johar, whose movies have the "senti" quotient to the par of lunacy.

7) Salman Khan's wriggle and jiggle has been misconstrued as a different kind of dance form altogether to beat constipation.

Shah Rukh and Salman reunite....whatever that means

LOL :D

P.S:  This monograph is subject to market risks. Viewer's discretion is required before spending on PVR tickets. Get a Wi Fi for God's sake!

The Good Indian Girl

No sooner is a girl child born in India, the whole melodrama of molding her into "the good Indian girl" kick starts with great tenacity. Somehow, a furrow, a wrinkle or a crooked smile escapes on the faces of the family members when the nurse divulges, "Its a GIRL!!". She might as well say, "Brace yourselves".

Metro cities have mostly been liberal towards girls to some extent. The scenario in small towns though, is way too funny.

So here are the good Indian girl traits she is supposed to imbibe in all forms possible.

1. She has NO boyfriends. It does not matter if she is a tom boy by nature. She is supposed to be comfortable only with girls.

2. She is supposed to excel in studies. An average student is a disgrace to the family (Okay, mostly), even though she is intended to be married off to deliver the role of an apropos housewife. Anything below 80% means, "she is just a girl after all".

3. She excels in "Paak Shaastra" (cooking). It does not matter if she holds a revered position in her work place and has other virtues which share the bread and butter for the family. Its as good as being a pseudo-girl if cooking is something she detests.

4. She does not follow fashion with utmost enthusiasm. It would mean, she is just somebody too frivolous with least respect for Indian culture. Like wearing a mini skirt would make you 20% Indian and a salwar kameez dupatta would grant a 100% guarantee certificate.

5. She has sane friends and enjoys sane music. Anything like hard rock would evoke comments like "hath se nikal gyi hai ye ladki".

6. She is not supposed to voice her opinion unabashedly. It would mean she is too bold and outspoken, or rather the kind of vamps broadcasted on daily soaps. Silence is considered to be the biggest virtue of the good Indian girl.

7. She does not party. It would mean she smokes and drinks. That would mean she has no morals. That would mean she cannot be a good wife or a good mother. Not that I am promoting smoking or drinking, but character certificate is surely not up to snuff.

8. She follows fasting atleast once a week and partakes in religious rites. A person can be an atheist by nature or may not be staunch religious. It is a personal choice. But in our Indian society, you may not believe in it, but you have got to fake it with utmost devotion.

9. How did I miss...the most venerable virtue is VIRGINITY. It can defy all other virtues. Since she cannot be vocal about it, her histrionic skills come to play or foreplay. If you have lost it, how clever can you be to hide it. Your life depends on it. If you do not get caught, you are a goddess, and if you are dumb enough to get caught, you are more than just impure. Oh yes, and the last resort is that cycle ride if nothing works out.

Well, irony of the situation is women do not understand women. We would be the first ones to raise fingers and demean other women at the drop of a hat. Sometimes knowingly and at times unknowingly. Then,why do we expect our men to shower rose petals on our way, when we would find ways to pelt stones at each other.

Dope-shope and Misogyny

DISCLAIMER - Yo yo fans may close this window right away! This blog is an expression of an unproductive, free and violent mind and the protagonist has been targeted to let off some steam, in the wider interest of 'womankind'.Reader's discretion is not required at all. You can judge me as feminist, racist, sexist, mentalist, terrorist and all those scary words ending with 'ist'. I really don't give a rat's ass!

'Hirdesh Singh' aka 'Yo yo Honey Singh' seems to have actually climbed up the ladder of stardom at the cost of the integrity of women. This era has witnessed the heights of self obsession. It went as far as, prefixing one's name with "Yo Yo". We understand that you have studied music from UK, but all that you learnt was "Yo yo"? Really??? 

The debut album released was nothing but a D grade adult movie streaming audio. I take a bow to the women who have mustered the courage to listen to the whole song.He was slammed with court charges for using vulgar and abusive language against women and Yo yo instantly denied having sung that song in the first place and later apologized to the masses (After having made millions already).

Followed by mixed reactions, eventually the whole brouhaha fizzed out. 

I have few questions for yo yo...

1. What is more assaulting to women in your opinion? Rape or your rap? Or both are equally fun for you.....If at all you care.

2. When you goto a restaurant, what do you order? 'A piece of meat' or 'women'? (Considering both are synonymous in your context).

3. Lately you have addressed the media stating that you are making a different kind of honey. As in, singing 'clean' songs. So can we presume that the bikini clad women in your album are your sisters, and when you rap "Saanu das de ki hai rate" (tell me what is your rate), you are actually asking the waitress the rate on the menu card or something like that?

4. Are the "Taaus"(uncles) still waiting for you in Hoshiyarpur (your native) angrily ,with bamboo sticks in hand, ranting "Ki matlab hai twada, kitna bhi chakho kuch fresh naiyyo milna, second hand hi milna" (What do you mean by, "taste how much ever you want, it would be stale or used")? Pun intended.

5. Hot girl - check, Ferrari- check, diamond studs - check, gold chain - check, Rupa's baniyaan - check....please tell me one thing, what is the function of those dark glasses even though its midnight and you are driving through the tunnel? Is this some weird fashion fad or your teeny weeny eyes you want to hide???

6.You showcase women smoking,drinking and doping among other things unabashedly, and of course drooling all over you in your videos. Are you promoting women empowerment or 'bad habbits'? Or is it the general perception you want to portray of a women ("Nashe di dukaan"), that we are immoral beings, only born to please you?

7. In your song "Brown Rang" from album International Villager, you rap "white chicks, no, I dont like them anymore". Is this a tirade against your ex British girlfriend who dumped you for a white guy? Smart girl I say!

8. Down south, people are indifferent to your music as they hardly understand your lyrics. They have one question though....Who the hell goes to a Disco wearing a "lungi"?

9. In your song,"We do party all night", you quote "----- me dum hai to band karwa do".
Wasn't your New Year's Eve concert banned in Gurgaon? Where were you doing party all night on NYE....ALONE??

Click Here

Accept it...being a MISOGYNIST is not cool. It makes you an International Villager for sure.

D-ARRANGED MARRIAGE

DISCLAIMER: This blog gives no guarantee of instilling  your faith into marriage. It might make you, want to deactivate your matrimonial profiles. The author is not to be blamed for defaming a person living or probably dead. The characters and role plays are completely non fictitious and bear strong resemblance to author's life.

Why do people opt for arranged marriage?? A failed past relationship, lack of interest in the dating game, parental pressure, no luck so far, a scratch card to a 'better post paid plan' or plain curiousness to unfold the mysteriousness of it all. Luck favors the Brave! (not necessarily in this scenario).

So, as most of my friends are busy, either posting their wedding pictures or doing post maternal shopping, I tend to gel more with the still confused singles lot. Most of them are sailing in the same boat, vagrant on the path of finding the true match through arranged means, till the biological clock is ticking and loud. Whatsoever, we never fall short of interesting banter around this topic.

Case I

Shankar is a tamilian by culture and punjabi by nature. He has always been in relationships with jaws dropping, drop dead gorgeous women. Unfortunately, none worked out in the long run and now, he has decided to find arranged love, even if its from the suburbs of Tamil Nadu. One fine day, I inquire how was the bride hunt going so far. He answers with utter dejection.

Shankar: "Whom do you think was the worst looking lady in the organization we worked in"?

Me: "Ummm....I guess Sheila (name changed as I wish to live some more). BTW, she resembled Tun tun in all aspects."

Shankar: "Well, Sheila looks better than the best proposal I have received till date. I just asked the girl once  on the first meeting, what are your likes and dislikes, and you know what she said?? "I dont like shorts". I even tried to placate her, that I am fine with whatever she is comfortable with. She replies curtly,
"Not for me, for YOU". 

Obviously, Shankar kick started his bike in no time and rode away to sanity.

(Dreamum, wakapum, crtical conditionum indeed!)

Case II

My friend Archana shared this episode, of the first meeting with a guy (Phoren return) near Forum Mall CCD.

Archana (On call): "We are waiting for you in CCD. Where are you?

Phoren Return: "I am driving my SCODA RAPID, I am near Forum".

Archana : "Okayyyy. You can park there and walk down across the road. Else, you might get stuck in traffic".

Phoren Return: "Well, its not a problem, my SCODA RAPID sails smoothly through traffic".

After an hour

Phoren Return: "Sorry babez, I am late! I am not used to this Indian traffic, you see! In the US, my BMW takes minutes to cut through and reach wherever I want".Holy cow! My Tag-Heuer is 5 mins late.  I forgot to polish my Jimmy Choo in hurry.....bla...bla...bla.."

Archana : "What are your expectations from this marriage?"

Phoren Return: "I dont want anything for myself. Its only for our future. A flat in Bangalore and 35 lakhs cash (FD is optional)".

Needless to say, he had to drive back in his SKODA RAPID with a big "NO".

The apt song playing is his car ..."Mera joota hai japani. ye patloon hai Armani..."

Case III 

Mr XYZ: "Looking at your FB profile, I thought you are an over smart kinda girl".

Me: Thankyou.....Errrr....EXCUSE ME!!!???!!? (Read: Bite Me!)

Mr XYZ: "I want the wedding to happen in Nov or Dec. Winters is a good time for couples"

Me: "What are you talking again??? We have just met a couple of minutes back. Dont you think, its too early to even judge if we are a good match?"

Mr XYZ: "Oh yeah, I just matched our kundalis online on my mobile app and it shows 20/36. We sure are! I guess you like traveling. What do you think about Thailand?"

Me: "Supposedly a good tourist spot. Why?"

Mr XYZ: "We can plan our honeymoon there."

Me: "Whattttttt!!"

Aghast. Stupefied. I ran for my life. Feel sorry for his Thailand debacle though.

Song?? I guess yoga help should be solicited for the honeymoon craver.

Irony of the situation is, no matter how tempting the shaadi ka laddoo is from outside, it always runs a chance of afflicting you with severe diabetes, lifelong at that.

Someday, I shall have this of my own. Marriage business is never going to run out of business. 

                                True that!

How convenient. My eyes have welled up witnessing such thoughtfulness...

The 10 Commandments redifined

Well, its Christmas eve and I am working in this Godly hour (not really). Just chanced upon to flip through the 10 Commandments of The Holy Bible, and my otherwise idle brain wisecracked.

The 10 commandments are a staple of Catholicism and have been around for thousands of years. And as we know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Here is an updated set of commandments for the new era (With all due respect):

1. Thou shalt not kill--unless you were brought onto the show Comedy Nights with Kapil.

2. Thou shalt not commit adultery--What is the opposite of adultery? Childery?? Maybe adultery isn’t so bad then.

3. Thou shalt not use the Lord’s name in vain–unless you are the victim of anger attack. Lack of swearing might make you less cooler.

4. Honor and obey your parents–unless they hack your facebook and whatsapp.

5. Thou shalt not steal - You can always beat someone up for their iphone, and hack their computer among other things.

6. Thou shalt not covet--thy neighbor’s wife–she is probably friends with your mom.

7. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me–except maybe Godzilla–He doesnt look like the God fearing type.

8. Thou shalt keep the sabbath holy–at least until 12pm when the liquor stores open

9. Thou shalt have no idols–except the Indian idol. They are anyways idle.

10.Thou shalt not bear false witness–only spread true gossip

Follow these simple rules and you will thank me in Heaven.

For those who are yet to discover the Ten Commanments,

Click here (Thou shalt do as I say): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ten_Commandments

English is a phunny language

Would you rather say the insufferably bland “He collided with my trunk” or the insanely awesome “He banged my dickey”?

Funnier lines that mark our Indianness: "I DO music". "Lets DO the dance"."Close the lights"."Cut the pencil". "Seriously funny". "Fully Empty". "Hairs are falling" and so and so on and so forth. The major credit goes to... "Please DO the needful". One fine day, it just slips out and the listener at the other end corrects us unabashedly. The feeling of having been wrong all our lives. How long have I been saying that? Who is he again, to correct me? 

I passed out from college, and I passed out in college too. I gave many classes a pass and passed many classes too.

Well, as quoted by Sri Amitabh Bachan: "English is a phunny language".It gets funnier as you traverse across different states of India. A "Zimbly Owesome " for "Simply Awesome" in Kerala. "Part" becomes "fart" in Karnataka. "You" is "Ewww" in Bihar. In Andhra, a "Biscuit" can be "Biscuitaaan". In Bengal, everything sounds like Roshogolla, like "Shobway" for "Subway". "Tart" for "Start" in Odisha. "Binness" for "Business" in Punjab.

Languages change over time. Healthy, living languages change a lot over time. They ebb and flow and morph and transmogrify. If we want to smirk at someone asking us for our “good name”, laugh at someone telling us sheepishly that “sleep is coming” and wallow in the pedantic preference for “years ago” over “years back”, we are just being insufferable douchebags. When William Blake rhymes “Aye” with “symmetry”, it’s acceptable because it’s um..William Blake and not some poor bloke with vernacular language medium education from a small town in India? How many conventions of grammar do you think Shakespeare broke when writing Hamlet? Or is poetic license not allowed for unlicensed poets?

Hence, if the English language has evolved to the likes of  STFU, WTF, WTH, PHAT, BFF, LOL, LMAO, ROFL, ROFLMAO, and many more from the Gen XYZ's social network dictionary, we can as well spare the mother tongue influenced diction.

On that note...TTYL..... XOXO  :)